By Danae Matthews
I have a bone to pick with women. Recently I was watching the latest installment of “The Real Housewives” series and a common theme dawned on me. These women are obsessed with class. Not having it, not exuding it, not taking one, but rather consistently calling one another out on the lack thereof. Anything from a dirty mouth to the wrong color of dress at a cocktail party can and will be deemed on “The Real Housewives” as classless. Regardless of the fact that I don’t personally run in the same circles as these women I find this kind of thought process creeping into the inner workings of my own social groups. Women I know are all too quick to stand behind their glass walls of classy delusions throwing stones of judgment. They however like their television counterparts couldn’t spell class if someone gave them the first four letters.
I don’t necessarily mean this about all my friends, I run with pretty classy ladies. I mean this more in reference to the general state of womanhood and femininity as it stands to date. This is dawn of an age where women cancel plans over a text message because calling takes too much gull. These are the days that women cut each other down in an effort to maintain the status of the “real” friend. We are living in an era where classlessness is running rampant and yet we want to believe that we are the defenders of sophistication.
How is it that we can turn a blind eye to one form or another of deception against class and yet admonish one another for a matching shoe and purse set? One might say that our priorities have fallen into disarray. I would argue yes. The truth of the matter is that “class” refers to a way in which a woman carries herself, walks into a room, conducts a conversation, but I would say most importantly treats people.
And when I say treats people, I mean all people. I cannot tell you how many times I have been embarrassed around acquaintances or yes, dare I say even friends, by the way that treat service people or perhaps just people that they weren’t interested in talking to. I’ve had friends talk down to waiters, taxi drivers, bag-boys- take your pick. These are the very same friends with the most expensive things who think that because they sit at the top of the socioeconomic ladder, they don’t ever have to look down.
This kind of behavior isn’t just limited to just strangers. Some women I’ve met who hold themselves in high esteem treat their “friends” with horrible manners. A woman of sophistication always remembers that friendships are gifts given to you by other people and can be returned at any moment. If you are sitting on a high horse believing that your friends are just so lucky to have you in their life, they are probably on the way to the register receipt in hand. It is not your job to keep your friends in check because you think you have so much to teach them about style, maturity or taste; if they didn’t ask, butt out!
The most important thing to remember is that a woman that deems herself classy remembers that if she is, she never has to talk about it. She doesn’t have to throw the word around and certainly doesn’t have to call people out on their lack thereof. We are all going to have moments of imperfection where we say something we wish we hadn’t, hurt someone’s feelings, etc…No one can sit in a glass forever without it receiving at least a couple cracks.
About the Author:
Danae Matthews is living, loving and working in San Francisco. She writes for an on-line health resource Women’s Health Base.
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THANK YOU! I am so dismayed at the nasty, judgmental barbs some women throw at one another. Was it always like this? Until the Internet, I never witnessed it to the degree I do today.
Fun read! Out of curiosity I read Danae’s resume. This is a young lady who will go far.
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I would suggest for all, if you haven’t read…’A Friend is Someone Who Likes You’ by Joan Walsh Anglund, DO! I was given this book by my best friend as a teen…& gave it to my daughter as a tween. Wonderfully simple snippets that will last a lifetime!
These women are obsessed with class. Not having it, not exuding it, not taking one
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LOL. I loved your last line – “not taking one.” I appreciate the humor (yes, I watch the Housewives too).
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Danae, your piece really resonated with me. Ann, I don’t think it’s gotten worse, but we witness it more. On the internet, juvenile insecure people can blast away at anyone who annoys them. On reality TV (such as shows like the Housewives, which I admit I love), the women are encouraged to talk behind each others backs and pick on each others insecurities. I am lucky that I don’t see this as much in my real life (thank goodness), but I am sure in some social circles, it can be harsh.
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Luckily, most of us have the choice to surround ourselves with positive, if imperfect people. That’s one of the reasons I’m at this particular site!
HB, thanks for the book recommendation. I will check it out.
I must admit I don’t watch any of the “Housewives”. I have seen clips and read a few stories about them and the one thing that always rings in my mind is a saying from my beloved Grandma Lovely….”Just because you have money, doesn’t mean you have class” I think that is completely appropriate for the “Housewives” or the “Bad Girls” or “Jersey Shore” all those shows where women leave no doubt to the viewers that they have NO CLASS, no self respect, no manners.
A woman of sophistication always remembers that friendships are gifts given to you by other people and can be returned at any moment.
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I love that and this:
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The truth of the matter is that “class” refers to a way in which a woman carries herself, walks into a room, conducts a conversation, but I would say most importantly treats people.
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Very nicely said. I agree.
This is a great post! I think the internet exposes the lack of class or classless behavior of many.
Has anyone seen the “investigation” being done on Jon by one of the fringe blogs? Seems if a non fan did that it would be called stalking, but strange how it is considered OK by some when it’s Jon being “followed”.
I meant to say, that is the definition of NO Class.
tc,
Jon has no class.
I have not seen any investigation and I am good with not knowing about it.
Snickers, I didn’t say Kate had no class. I said this fringe blog has no class (nothing new actually, just a different day).
Why does he have no class in your opinion? What has he done lately that just keeps your hate for him going?
A man with a lot of class and style was Steve Jobs. May he Rest In Piece.
I have a perfect RealHousewives example of this singular thinking that money equals class…I live in Miami and one of the housewives from the RHOM season made the most obvious statment I’ve ever heard. Her husband and she own and run a local, glossy, Spanish language socialite magazine. I can’t remember why this came up, but she mentioned a historically working-class Cuban/Hispanic neighborhood in Miami where her publication is sold and said something like, “Our magazine is popular in Hialeah because they love to watch us and see what we’re doing in our glamorous lives. They look up to us, admmire us, want to BE us.” This woman was actually one of the more tolerable characters in this show, but this statement (one she’s still trying to live down now) spoke volumes. She actually didn’t come from money, so it may have said more about how she thought about wealthy people than anything else. But it was just so tacky, and she was completely oblivious to it.
Living in Miami is probably only after to LA and New York for style-consciousness and status-consciousness…has been since the 80s. I’m aware of designer labels, etc., but find I always admire a woman more who seems completely stylish and confident and put together and she doesn’t have a stitch of designer-anything on her. What’s the old saying? The clothes shouldn’t wear you.
Here are some of my thoughts on being classy…
Being gracious and kind as best you can in every situation. Don’t talk about what you have, and, if asked, give the shortest answer possible short of “None of your business”. Don’t talk about what anyone else has or doesn’t have. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it. We all live in this world, so try not to tread harshly on someone else or their day. Finally, a smile has almost always served me well. That’s just a few, but that’s the general idea.
Nice post!!!!
Dunno a thing about what you are talking about in re. to Kate’s followers delving into her ex husband’s affairs, but I DO know that all but a very few would describe Steve Job’s as ‘a man with a lot of class and style’. Quite the opposite…which should never belittle the career & genius behind the making & marketing of Apple.
I agree with Pam…..don’t know about any “jon” investigation and I’m good with that.
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Snickers, don’t fall for the bait…….
Why is it baiting if someone says something and I ask why they feel that way? I didn’t say Kate had no class, or Jon for that matter. It was snickers who said Jon didn’t have class and I asked what is making her feel that way now? What has he done currently that puts him in the “no class” category?
#15, Not quite sure what are you saying? You think he was a genius or not?
Being gracious and kind as best you can in every situation. Don’t talk about what you have, and, if asked, give the shortest answer possible short of “None of your business”. Don’t talk about what anyone else has or doesn’t have. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it. We all live in this world, so try not to tread harshly on someone else or their day. Finally, a smile has almost always served me well. That’s just a few, but that’s the general idea.
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Marci, Enjoyed this and had to copy the whole thing because I wholeheartedly agree. Especially, kindness and a smile being a part of “class”. Our society seems so quick to anger at the slightest inconvenience, it’s just as easy to be kind.
Yes, Steve Jobs had a ton of class and so does Bill Gates. They’ve given so much and felt no need to call the press about it. Here in Canada we had a man who we all hoped oneday would be our Prime Minister: Jack Layton.He passed just a couple of months ago. He was a humble man, who every year would march proudly in the Toronto gay pride parade along with his wife. I’m believe that he dies of the same illness as Steve Jobs but it’s not confirmed. This man had more class in his little finger than most have in their entire body.
His wiki page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Layton
R.I.P Jack
When I think of classy women I think of women who live their lives in a way that represents high morals & values and treats other with kindness & respect, it has nothing to do with money – having money or lack of money.
It seems to me that what we’re talking about here is good manners, mostly. I stay away from the “c” word (“class” – what “c” word did you think I meant?) because it does tend to be one of those words that if you use it, you don’t have it. Also, it has that connotation of money/social class that’s kind of icky.
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Good manners consist mostly of trying to make others feel comfortable and putting the needs of others before your own (within reason, of course). I do value good manners highly, but can see virtues in people who wouldn’t normally be said to have a lot of class/manners. For instance, Steve Jobs – I would fall on the side of saying no, I wouldn’t consider him to be someone with a lot of class (I feel I’m being unmannerly to say so, because it really is bad to speak ill of the recently deceased). I think he had other virtues – he was brilliant and no doubt generous. I think Bill Gates has done incredible things in the area of philanthropy, but I also think he’s a ruthless businessman, and “ruthless” and “class” are incompatible, at least as I define them. YMMV, of course.
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I will say by my definition, neither Jon nor Kate exactly brim with class. I like Kate; I don’t like Jon. I like her for other reasons – again, even though I really value good manners, I do sometimes like people for other reasons.
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I don’t know which site TC is talking about, but the behavior she describes does sound classless. Not everything has to be about the Gosselins all the time, though. 🙂
Hi Jennie. Well, you can ask Pam (she told me to try and not mention it) or you can just look near the end of the alphabet and get your clue. You can just go with Classless with a capital C rather than waste your time. I’ll stop there, because it’s easy to get passionate about the level of ignorance some blogs have and yet they are completely unaware.
Are Only Looking Out For Yourself, Look Out!
Is your favorite letter “I”? The cause of most of our problems is “I”, no matter how we spell it. Change your favorite word from “I” to “You”. The truth is, no one makes it on their own. Don’t become a legend in your own mind. Conceit makes us fools. The book of Proverbs reminds us, “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” The man who believes in nothing but himself lives in a very small world. The best way to be happy is to forget yourself and focus on other people. The only reason pride lifts you up is to let you down. A swelled head always proves there is plenty of room for improvement. Even postage stamps become useless when they get stuck on themselves. Egotism is the only disease where the patient feels well while making everyone else feel sick. Those who sing their own praises seldom receive an encore. I think that people who are deeply in love with themselves should get a divorce. The man who only works by himself and for himself is likely to be corrupted by the company he keeps. When you find yourself on a high horse, the best thing to do is dismount at once. You can’t push yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. The higher you go in life, the more dependent you become on other people. Work together with others. Remember the banana: every time it leaves the bunch it gets peeled and eaten. Freckles would make a nice tan, if they would just get together. Few burdens are heavy when everyone lifts…
– John Mason,
How interesting that Jennie has the same opinion of Jobs as the “other” person that TC keeps referring to but I seriously doubt that she would say Jennie doesn’t have class. Class is respecting others opinions even if you don’t agree and not becoming obsessed with another person/people or blog because you don’t happen to agree with them and their rules. To carry on and on attacking the people or the blog shows a tremendous lack of class and respect IMO. We should all try and respect each others opinion and not feel like you have to defend yourself or themselves every time they voice their opinion.
Class isn’t about money, the way you dress, where you live, where you vacation, or any of the luxuries life may or may not afford you but more about ethics, morals and respect.
Joy, I have no idea what you are talking about. Jennie has her opinion and I respect that. The “other” person you are referring to deserves NO respect from me or 90% of the people out in cyber space. You can like that person and feel good about that, doesn’t mean I have to, considering her skewed view on the world.
Joy and TCparra,
You both had your say and now let’s drop it. Thanks
Jennie,
I agree with you about Steve Jobs. I don’t think he was the benevolent leader that a lot people think he was. Does it make us unclassy to say that about the recently deceased?
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SadieMay,
I am also Canadian. I am not political so I don’t follow Jack Layton’s career, but I was still sad to hear about his passing. Yup, he was classy and so is his wife.
Teresa, I think sometimes it’s just a matter of degrees. I don’t think right after someone’s passing, especially an untimely one, is the right time to shout that person’s flaws from the rooftops. I also don’t think it’s a big deal to disagree that he was classy, especially if we can acknowledge that he had other virtues.
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It can be tricky talking about people who have passed, because sometimes your reaction doesn’t mirror the general public opinion, and you end up seeming like an insensitive jerk. I still don’t know how to talk about Michael Jackson, now more than two years after his death. I don’t know exactly what he was guilty of, but I don’t think his behavior with children was entirely innocent, and that makes me ambivalent about him. I can acknowledge his talent and feel bad that he had a sad life, but I can’t embrace him the way some other people seem to.
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Sometimes it’s a matter of just not getting why people are so broken up – I’ve had that reaction slightly with Jobs. I mean, he’d been sick for a long time, it wasn’t entirely a surprise. I guess I just don’t connect to why he meant so much to some people. I try to respect peoples’ feelings about him, though.
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I felt the same way when Steve Irwin died – I was like, really? I didn’t realize he was so beloved, and I didn’t quite get it. OTOH, I took Princess Diana’s death really hard, and resented people who felt the need to impugn her right after her death.
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I’m struggling with my judgment about the racecar driver who was killed yesterday – I think it’s terribly sad but there’s a judgy part of me that goes, “why is such a dangerous sport allowed? Why would anyone do something so dangerous?” It’s not the time or the place for such judgments, so I’m trying to keep them to myself (well, I just aired them here, but I wouldn’t go on a message board or thread devoted to the subject and share them, necessarily).
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Sorry, I’m getting a bit off-topic. I do find the struggle between being polite/classy and being “honest” to be difficult at times. (I put “honesty” in quotes because I think people sometimes use honesty as an excuse for rudeness – just because you think it, doesn’t mean you have to say it. But OTOH, I do think there’s a time and place to say, “yeah, I feel bad about MJ, but here’s why I have problems with the hero-worship…” or say, “I feel terrible for Dan Wheldon and his family, but I don’t understand the popularity of this very dangerous sport…”)
I have been watching the latest season of Housewives from NYC with great interest from the UK. I find it surprising that these women are so obsessesd with class. I thought it was always us Brits that were so class obsessive! Interesting insights on here.
Hi Beattie and welcome to Imperfect Women. I would have to say that the majority of the US population is not obsessed with class. I don’t really watch any of the Housewives but I would guess that in most of the different series (Beverly Hills, Atlanta, Orange County, NYC and New Jersey….did I miss any?)that most of the wives are somewhat obsessed with class.
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In England, isn’t class determined more by what family you were lucky enough to be born in? I would be interested in hearing what class is all about in England.