Hello to all reality TV show watching aficionados. It’s time to recap another show that is so bad, it’s (sorta) good – VH1’s “Couples Therapy.” I missed the first episode, so I spent most of episode two (when I wasn’t staring at Kelsey’s hair or muting Farrah) looking up cast bios to get acquainted with the BIG stars who have put themselves in the capable hands of purported “Dr.” Jenn Berman in order to fix their romantic relationships. Let’s meet our cast:
Ghostface Killah and Kelsey Nykole: Ghostface (real name, Dennis) is (was?) a member of the respected hip hop group Wu Tang Clan. He’s in his 40’s and looking to settle down. Kelsey (age impossible to find, but she looks to be in mid to late 20’s) is a rising starlet (according to her Facebook page) and pop singer. Initial verdict: Dennis is a misogynist idiot. Kelsey seems like a sweet girl who can do better.
Whitney Mixter and Sada Bettencourt: At first, I thought these two were actresses who appeared and met on Showtime’s soapy lesbian drama series “The L Word” but I was wrong. Once the original show ended, Showtime produced another show (reality this time) based on the original show and called it “The Real L Word” (way to trick us, Showtime). Whitney and Sada apparently conducted a passionate affair on the series and were married in the show’s final season. Initial verdict: I just realized that only one cast member of the cast (Ghostface Dennis) is actually “known” for anything other than appearing on reality TV. (Well, Farrah may disagree, but we aren’t there yet). I don’t know much about Whitney and Sada’s backgrounds. So far, they seem passionate, but level headed and likeable. Will their sanity work against them in the craziness that is reality TV? Stay tuned!
Taylor Armstrong and John Bluher: Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. It’s Drunk Taylor. I have written about Drunk Taylor before. She sullied my enjoyment of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” for three whole seasons before finally being booted off. The gloss on her over plumped lips isn’t worn off before she lands another reality TV show gig! John Bluher is purportedly Taylor’s ex-attorney/current boyfriend who she started dating when he was still married, but I think the John Bluher who is appearing on the show may just be a clever wax figure that Taylor dragged along with her. He’s a quiet little fellow who follows Taylor around shaking his head yes whenever Taylor makes a demand (which is just about every time her mouth is open). Initial verdict: Drunken Taylor continues to live up to her name and John Bluher is possibly not fully human and looks like a lump of mashed potatoes.
Farrah Abraham: Blah, blah, blah. You have to be living under a rock not to know Farrah (Alone Again, Naturally) Abraham. Of all the indictments one could make against our current culture, this fact is perhaps the saddest. I’m not going to play along with the fantasy that Farrah actually had a boyfriend that was going to appear on the show with her. This is what the viewers have been told, however. Maybe he will show up at some point to create drama, but for now, we are stuck with just Farrah. Have fun with that, Dr. Berman! Initial verdict: I must make sure my TV remote is in prime working condition in order to mute all of Farrah’s fake crying and ridiculous boasting.
Ok, now that we know who everyone is, let’s get to the recap. Farrah cries. Farrah shares that her mother told her to take Plan B to end her pregnancy, but she refused. Farrah cries some more. Ghostface Dennis is an absolute jerk to Kelsey when she admits on camera she was once a stripper. Dr. Berman gives it to him good on his sexist Madonna/Whore Complex. One point for Berman on that. Whitney and Sada share about their combustible relationship, but it really doesn’t seem that different than any young couple who haven’t quite figured out how to work with each other’s strengths and flaws. Dr. Berman leaves and her fun twin sister Dr. Jenn suggests that the couples all go out drinking to get to know each other better. Great idea, doc! Once the couples and Farrah arrive, Farrah rudely makes a big production out of ordering her appetizer, entrée and dessert while the others are still putting in their drink orders. I know guys are lining up around the corner for the catch that is Farrah Abraham! Drunk Taylor gets just a touch intoxicated. Just a touch. Once back at the VH1 Soundstage for the Criminally Annoying, Taylor rants and raves that her room is too hot and bobs her head around to show how street she is (while also threatening to call her agent). Taylor then performs the requisite reality TV star diva move of throwing her hand up in front of the camera and ordering the cameras away. If only the viewers could be so lucky.
Next time on “Couples Therapy” another couple arrives! Jon Gosselin, deadbeat dad/peeing outside enthusiast/gun nut and his latest girlfriend Liz. I’m not sure if we will get an explanation for why they couldn’t show up on time with the other couples, but in my head I just imagine the brain trust of Jon and Liz getting hopelessly lost in Los Angeles looking for beer and ammo. We shall see. Jon’s usually good for an excuse and I bet he will bring a good one!
Couples Therapy airs Thursday nights at 9pm on VH1
Anya has written for ImperfectWomen.com since 2009. She dutifully follows current events and pop culture and loves having a platform to share her imperfect opinions.