By Roxanne Snopek
Both characters in my novella Saving the Sheriff, (Stranded With a Hero) have Christmas issues. Fortunately, since they end up snowbound alone together, holiday hosting isn’t one of them!
But the rest of you probably know what I’m talking about: the people you have to invite, but wish you could in fact punt them into the next zip code. You love them… or maybe you don’t, or wish you didn’t.
Maybe you are related to them.
Maybe you are them.
(NOTE: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to people or places is purely coincidental. I don’t know anyone who does these things. I have never done these things. Do not try this at home. Do not try this anywhere. I love everyone.)
10) The guest who arrives at a potluck bearing a box of chocolates, after signing up to bring mashed potatoes, and tells you, “Who eats potatoes anymore anyway?”
9) The guests who bring their children to an adult event, in a non-childproofed home, and then set them loose with the words, “Look at all the wonderful things to play with!”
8) The guest who shows up two hours early, just to “keep you company” in the kitchen, when you and your partner are still in the screaming stage and you haven’t showered yet.
7) The guest who brings a new boyfriend who spends his time wandering from room to room “admiring the lay-out” when he is, in fact, casing the joint.
6) The guest who explains at the table, in great detail and with compelling oratory skills, her latest surgery, the post-op infection, what it felt like when the urinary catheter was removed and how long it took to start pooping again.
5) The guest who examines every dish on the sideboard, only to proclaim them all unsuitable because they contain: eggs/dairy/carbohydrates/meat/gluten/caffeine/sugar/sugar-substitute/GMOs or were cooked using aluminum or plastic or micro-waves.
4) The guests who ask to bring the small, short-haired dog they just adopted and don’t want to leave alone yet and will stay in his crate… only to arrive with Kong, who could be mistaken for an overactive, drooling Clydesdale and for whom no crate is large enough.
3) The guest who arrives with three unexpected friends, who’ve just returned from Machu Picchu and have given up bathing.
2) The guest who discovers your hidden 31-year old Laphroaig single-malt Scotch whiskey … and offers to add it to his Bailey’s and Kahlua and make special coffees all around.
And finally,
in #1 Spot, The Worst Guest Ever is: the one who doesn’t notice at the end of the night that everyone else except your best friend has left, and you’re desperately awaiting the after-party debriefing – once that person leaves!
… Now, we’re all friends here; tell me your best Worst Guest story.
GIVEAWAY
Roxanne is also giving away one eBook of the winner’s choice: Three River Ranch, His Reluctant Rancher or Fake Fiance, Real Revenge!
Just share your “Worst Guest Story” in the comments below to be entered to win this prize.
You must be 18 to enter. Winner will be chosen by random.org. Ends at midnight on 12/17/13. Winner will be notified by email and has 48 hours to respond.
Roxanne Snopek is the author of ten books, more than 150 articles, and has had short fiction published in several anthologies. She is currently serving as Vice-President of the Romance Writers of America Greater Vancouver Chapter. She and her family live in the Pacific Northwest, where she’s at work on more love stories for Entangled Publishing. You can connect with Roxanne on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads or visit her website.
Be sure and check out Stranded with a Hero, A Bliss Christmas Anthology by Karen Erickson, Coleen Kwan, Cindi Madsen and Roxanne Snopek.
Hey I just had this person over for dinner last week “The guest who explains at the table, in great detail and with compelling oratory skills, her latest surgery, the post-op infection, what it felt like when the urinary catheter was removed and how long it took to start pooping again.”
But don’t worry, she is fine now except for the oozing. LMAO
Great post!
(NOTE: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to people or places is purely coincidental. I don’t know anyone who does these things. I have never done these things. Do not try this at home. Do not try this anywhere. I love everyone.)
FUNNIEST POST EVER!!!
A few years ago we had someone who RSVP’d as a “NO” show up with their kids to our Christmas evening celebration. We didn’t purchase gifts for their kids, but they brought gifts for our kids. Then she got really upset that her kids were left out.
Awkward!
OOZING – that’s great, Kate! Exactly what you want to hear at the dinner table, right? (Sadly, being something of a trauma junkie, I actually like these stories. I may have even, ahem, told one or two myself. But hey, my house, my grossness!) Thanks for stopping by!
Jen, ew, awkward indeed. Doesn’t it make you wonder if the husband and wife weren’t on the same track, but the guilty party couldn’t man up? (Because of course, it was him.) Hm, this sounds like an episode of Friends…
So glad you enjoyed my rantings – thanks for stopping by!
Hah! I will never understand people like #5. If you can’t eat at my house, eat before you come. Or better yet, stay home!
I’ve had #2 at my party. But he made the drinks before he told me what he used in them.
I’m totally not squeamish, even while eating, so I don’t mind the gory medical stories. At the right time and place.
Ha! Great post. Love all of these and probably have either had one as a guest or have been that guest. 😉
I will never forgot one Thanksgiving we had friends come over and they were bringing the turkey. They for some reason let their 9 year old son carry it in and he dropped in on our brand new expensive carpeting. Turkey grease and all! I can’t say he was my worst guest but certainly one I will never forget.
Ah yes, the family who show up with the virtuous statement that “we’ve all become vegetarian – maybe we should have called you” Then cram into your busybusybusy kitchen trying to find something to make (make? at 5pm?) for them. I finally kicked them all out (hmmm, managed to find my inner bitch) telling them there were many alternative foods to keep themselves ‘full’. And besides, it isn’t the food, it’s the wonderful purpose of the meal. Then ignored all complaints by looking at them silently with raised eyebrows until they mumbled their way into co-operating. Sigh. Oh, the superiority of their virtue. I get it, but ohmygoodness, it’s hard to take in large doses.
As for the gross discussions (operations and all) … actually, that was always on the approved list in our house, and my kids join in with no problems. Now, if the gross medical details are simply boring – well, then, we’ll have to change the topic because we can’t have boring at Christmas dinner, right? Right. Gross-on!
Actually I don’t mind the medical gore stories either, in the right place! 😉
AWESOME post. All good reasons for me to continue not entertaining. I put out bowls of potato chips and offer cold beer.
Never give a guest a spoon and a wine glass full of red wine, and let him proceed to hit the side of the glass with the spoon to get everyone’s attention. Nope, broken glass and red wine on cream colored carpet. Walking around a salt pile all evening was like having a baby gate in the way. You just have to laugh, but at the time, it’s just the mess you deal with. 🙂
Yikes! These sound like some crazy-a$$ guests! Thanks for the laughs, Roxanne!
I don’t even entertain and I have had #5 over for too many events!
Oh my goodness, these are all too much! I think I’m somewhat lucky not to have anything quite as horrific as these to share, but I do have to say that there is a special place in hell for guests who show up early to a gathering. People who won’t leave when it’s time are annoying too, but I know sometimes a little too much wine can make one overlook obvious signals like the host yawning, talking about the early morning they have the next day, putting on PJ’s, etc. 🙂
Hey everyone, good to see you! Sounds like a lot of us have known #5 guests. I remember being pretty obnoxious when my own kids were little, actually, so I try to cut people a bit of slack. But there are limits! Celia, I love how you handled it!
And roasted turkey on the carpet?? RED WINE and glass on the carpet??? Paula, you might be onto something with the chips and beer. I’ve got a party coming up next weekend, around 35 people. Now that I think of it, I may need to have a quiet panic attack. Stay tuned.
OMG! This post rocked!! I think we’ve possibly had the same guests, Roxanne. 😉 Let’s escape somewhere tropical together, shall we? I’ll buy the first round. Happy holidays!
Ugh, it drives me INSANE when someone says they’ll bring something and then show up with something else. At least have the courtesy to text or quickly call me to tell me so that I can figure out a plan B!
I have had most of those guests in my home at one time or another. For me, the ones that bring the kids are the worst.
Thank you for the giggle! I certainly recognise some of them, heehee! Especially the first one, number 10! There’s always one that brings something not on the list and/or not appropriate! lol
Loved this post–I am still smiling!! And I think at one time or another everyone has had a “guest” they wished had cancelled instead of coming over!
#8! I have a friend who always shows up early, and it drives me nuts. I am one who likes to do everything herself, so passing on duties to someone else just isn’t my cup of tea.
So my husband was a red wine spiller at a Thanksgiving gathering. We were at my sisters father-in-laws house for Thanksgiving and someone left their glass of red wine on the edge of the table where all the food was. He knocked it over, you guessed it, onto cream colored carpet. I (and he) have never been more embarrassed in our lives. Shortly after, someone else spilled hot chocolate in the living room. He ended up having to replaced the carpet. YIKES
oh, this is awesome! I have suffered from a few of these… never had anyone case the joint though, Luckily! I have a friend that would always come WAY early and act so bored when I took a minute to shower! Suckers!
haha great list!! I’m afraid I’ve been guilty of a few of those at times in my life, and also dealt with people like that. My grandma has this superstition that if you place the broom behind the front entrance’s open door, the unwanted guests will leave.
I have had everyone of those guests at my place! ha! And I’ll add one more, the one who brings her little dog that’s new and cute as can be but not potty trained yet. I had that happen recently (‘oh it’s just a little tinkle’). GAH!! On my carpet!
Ugh! That would be the guest who thought inviting him meant you wanted to have sex with him, so he lingers when everyone else is on their way out and then says, “You know, you didn’t have to pretend to be shy with me.” I was floored–I didn’t think I’d ever shown any romantic interest in him and I had to usher him out as quickly as I could. Gah! 😛
Haha! I don’t have a best “worst guest story”, but number 5 happens at every potluck or dinner out that I’ve been to.
I am laughing my butt off. I am guilty of #6. Not my surgeries or illnesses, but those of my patients’. (I am a nurse.)My son is in nursing school too so we usually end up in a conversation involving vomiting or feces and the rest of the table is gagging. I needed a holiday laugh, thanks.
I don’t even like people who arrive ON TIME, much less early! I’m never ready!
Thank you for making me laugh; I hope I’ve never come across like #5, even though I’m a vegetarian! LOL I have one to add: the guest who camps out on your couch for literally his entire stay in your home. I had one of those over Thanksgiving, and it was AWFUL! He even took off his socks and put his dirty, smelly feet on our white throw pillows. AHH!
Ah I know a few people on the list. It’s always difficult to deal with “Those” guests, but as long as there’s no harm no fowl it’s just one holiday.
hahaha, this sounds like some of the guests who have showed up at some of my parties over the years.
I loved that as well as many of the comments. My worst guest is my mother, we invited one of my husbands co-workers over for Thanksgiving because his family was out of town. He and my mother had a great time chatting and all was better than a normal visit from her up until she said – “are you married because I would love if you would marry my daughter (meaning me)” She has always disliked my husband but that was beyond insulting and very uncomfortable for our guest.
ROFL I couldn’t help myself but I just had to laugh at them all. We’re forgetting the in laws. I have one who doesn’t understand that I would prefer to be alone with no visits.
This brought back so many memories! My worst -ok ONE of the worst- the sister-in-law who shows up early to “help” because she knows I “don’t cook as good as mama” and proceeds to change all of my recipes! Thanks for the reminders right before holiday dinners start up! Really! Gritting my teeth already!
The brother who brings his latest on-line dating site girlfriend. That could be ok unless she immediately starts taking inventory of the house, announcing that gifts from department stores are unacceptable, asking how many guests were at your wedding because at her wedding the guests will not be able to leave unless each table comes up with a certain amount of cash (thanks for the warning), trying on the wedding ring you took off while cooking (yes that REALLY happened!), and getting offended when you wouldn’t let her hold the 5 week old baby because she had a tb cough.
..he’s now engaged to her & she isn’t any more endearing!
hahaaa, great post. both brothers are #9 and aunt on moms side is #8 … in the past I would have fit #7 and #2. I have to say the worst is christmas with my brothers’ 10 kids. yes, 10 !! I know, I know, christmas is more for the kids and they are supposed to get excited, but it can get so very loud with them and the heard of yorkies my mom has barking all around the house. Every christmas gives me a headache.
boy, I hope they dont see this and know its me. LOL
Number two has too funny! I can relate to that!
Let’s not forget about the people who not only make “celebratory drinks”, but don’t know when to stop, and become belligerent, therefore ruining the evening altogether! I’ve seen it happen. Way. Too. Many. Times.
This is absolutely hilarious and so true!!! I feel that I have most definitley run into and had to undergo a dinner or two with someone from this list! Especially the one who does not bring what they committed to. Loved it! Thanks for the post!
Love these! I pray that I am not an offender of any of them though! Great blog post!
I agree with your post wholeheartly. I am ‘blessed’ with such a guest at every holiday. My Aunt Sarah always signs up to make something and then ‘forgets’ to bring it. Instead, she brings a bottle of wine that she proceeds to open and drink and then when the party is over takes home most of the leftovers and whatever is left of the wine. She is my Mom’s only sister so I have to live with it but I do not like it.
My nephew,he never brings a dish.He eats and drinks everything in sight,then packs a to go plate.
Oh gosh, I feel so lucky that I have never had an instance like this at all! This is cracking me up though!
LOL I have had MANY o these guest esp. #1 almost everytime and its the SAME person!
lol this is great lol that is why i always expect to do everything cause then it will all go the way i expected
This list was funny! I will admit to being picky; hope that I am not that GUEST!
Too funny! this reminds me of my dad. *groan*
These are hilarious. I don’t understand this new phenomenon of people wanting to bring their pets to dinner. Since when did it become okay to sit at the table with a dog?
What a funny but TRUE post… I have a few like those, too.. especially my SIL she has no clue for anything she’s 28 and acts like a 13 year old and at dinner every year she tells us about her personal yeah privat area that got a you know what infection.. really?? She thinks we all should feel sorry for her.. We all have those people I guess… Laugh and move on the Holidays are too priceless to be mad .. enjoy your time spend…:-)
Ours was a gentleman that a family member had invited to spend the holidays with our family. We weren’t aware of the invitation until the day before his arrival. At least we had SOME advance notice. Mom had made Bife a Portuguesa, which includes a fried egg. She had many a few extra in case anyone wanted more. When there were some left, our guest insisted we refrigerate them to re-heat for breakfast the next day. It was even the first thing he asked for as we prepared a Christmas morning breakfast of pancakes and link sausage. My mom was muttering under her breath as she re-fried the eggs for our guests. She was insulted he thought us so poor we couldn’t afford to make fresh eggs for a guest. Kind of funny in hind-sight.
Oh my gosh, I think that I have experienced most of what you wrote. What a wonderful, funny post!
Awesome Post sounds like my family, every year is something new and odd. I’m usually the one who breaks open the good stuff and sneaks drinks in the kitchen just to cope . 🙂
I AM number# 5. LOL!! So I always bring something I can eat instead of being rude.
LOL! This post had a few points that made me think of a certain family member that never ceases to amaze us when she visits!
I loved your article The Top 10 Worst Holiday Guests listing the funniest stories I’ve heard in some time. I’ve seen most of them happen, but not as the hostess. I’m a terrible cook, so I am always assigned to bring something ready made from a particular deli, bread or drinks. I usually spend a bit more money to make up for not spending time slaving over a hot stove. Some have assigned me to make something, but usually only try that once. I am learning to cook at 58, but I guess it’s better than not learning at all. Thanks for the laughs.
omg this was awesome, i can so relate to half of these!!!
This is so funny, because I believe that someone has literally brought at least one of each of these to our family Christmas parties at some point in the past! My family is whacky! LOL
I havent really had any worst guest stories at the holidays (although my inlaws go to florida for the winter, if they stayed home I can guarantee they would want to bring the “beautiful” (aka the next worlds ugliest dog winner) to dinner, and not leave til we basically force them from the house lol (all the while bickering because our dogs have the nerve to try and investigate the rat dog lol)
I don’t have any “horror” stories to share really, but I thank you for making me laugh and reminding me that others just may have it a tad more difficult than myself 😀
This was a great read. Oh man Juliah, turkey grease is the worse.
These people can drive a person crazy after working on having a nice dinner prepared. So inconsiderate. I never have had to deal with these types of guests except the Debbie Downer type. Luckily, the person I am thinking of is no longer married to my friend so I don’t have to deal with her anymore. Nothing like having the house decorated, feeling festive, dinner all ready and celebrating with someone griping how stupid the holidays are and what is the point. Ugh.
I hope everyone has luck and considerate guests with their holiday entertaining.
And the numero uno WORST guest is the one who tastes each and every item of food, tells you it’s good but…”you should taste my mother’s (insert food dish here)….or my grandmother’s….or my auntie’s…” Whatever, go eat at THEIR house next time!!
Great post! Rings true on so many levels! Thanks for the great site
Great article, but what’s so bad is that most of those fit my husband’s family. His brother new bring ANYTHING to help with the dinner, when they leave they make plates to take home and wipe out the food. The food they did not bring.. I live those examples every holiday.. Thanks for reminding me.. lol
I am loving these stories! What a great article! I thought I was the only one that had #7 happen to them.
HAHAHAHA that is so funny I am so glad I stick to the regulars at my house.
Wow, I don’t want any people like that at my house!!
LOL this post is great! I think I have one of all of them at my house at one time or another, We have a friend that is the classic #1 He always arrives 2 hours early and we are pushing him out the door at the end of the night
I loved reading these. I don’t do a lot of entertaining and this reminds me of why I don’t!
My least favorite guests are the ones who do not offer to help with anything, pick at the food as I am putting it out, and then are the first ones to make their plates.
that would be very awkard