By Jane Warren
“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible — the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”- Virginia Satir
My oldest son turns 23 this weekend. In some ways it seems like just yesterday he was in diapers, but in other ways it seems so long ago since we brought him home from the hospital. Today, he’s a college graduate, financially independent and a productive and responsible member of society – not to mention a very decent human being (if I do say so myself).
He came along right before my first wedding anniversary. My husband and I were both college students, young, broke, but working hard to make ends meet. We were so happy when our son arrived. I was barely 22, but determined to be a good parent and determined not to mess up this beautiful blank slate who’d just arrived.
In my view, my main role as a mom was to teach my son to be a well-balanced, productive, good person. From the beginning, even at my young age, I always had this end in mind and was keenly aware of the limited number of years I had to accomplish my task.
We lived in a small town and so I’m aware of some of the paths his high school classmates have taken. Some have taken to adulthood, gone to school, married and may even have children of their own by now. Others have ended up in prison, under-employed, battling with addictions to drugs and alcohol.
It really isn’t a secret as to how my son and his successful classmates turned out so well while others his age struggle with personal accountability and independence. In 90% of cases, these young adults come from families who taught them, from a young age, to take responsibility for their actions.
These parents, like my husband and I, were involved. We saw the same group of parents attend the school functions, but the parents of struggling kids were no where to be found. Parents of successful children undoubtedly helped with homework and modeled, on a daily basis, what responsible adult behavior looks like. We gave our children a chance to take on responsibility a little at a time, such as making it their job to throw out the wet potty pads for our puppies, and did not shield the children from natural consequences of their mistakes or allow them to place blame.
I saw these same parents helping out at extra-curricular activities, driving on field trips, volunteering to teach a class in 4-H or scouts, selling concessions at school sporting events. At the stores, I observed parents shopping with young children, who were often pushing very small shopping carts filled with food along side mom or dad.
Older children went to the store to pick up a forgotten item and learned to go through the checkout by actually doing it. High schoolers, my own included, shuttled younger siblings to and from friends’ houses. Some children in my area assisted their parents in the day-to-day operation of local businesses, often from the time they could walk and talk. The kids also pitched in to help with taking care of family and neighbors’ pets, from training and grooming to preventive care, and even had a contest one time on how to keep your dogs teeth clean!
Between watching us be responsible adults and actually having a chance to practice responsible behavior, carrying out tasks and duties reliably became second nature to our kids. As our children, imbued with confidence in their ability to function in the world, make their own way in the world, we proudly watch them spread their wings, knowing our hard work has paid off.
About the Author
Jane Warren writes about parenting, family life and pets. She loves to travel internationally, and participate in water sports, especially scuba diving.
Jennie@IW says
February 3, 2012 at 2:17 pmCongratulations on your accomplishment – raising a successful, responsible adult is no mean feat.
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I agree with a lot of what you say, but also believe that an adult’s personality is formed by nature + nurture. I am hesistant to judge anyone’s parenting unless I really know them well and have seen for myself the mistakes they make. Parents can do everything right (well, almost everything; no one is perfect) and still have a troubled child. Mental illness is not something that can be parented away, for one thing, and drug abuse may be the result of a person self-medicating to deal with mental health problems. There just aren’t any guarantees when it comes to raising a child, unfortunately.
Holly says
February 3, 2012 at 6:05 pmJennie,
I totally agree with you. No matter how good of a responsible and nurturing Parent we are,somethings like addiction (which is in almost every family) and mental illness are out of our control. The reverse is also true: I have seen many people who came from very dysfunctional families turn out to be responsible and moral adults and fantastic parents.
stu says
February 3, 2012 at 9:12 pmHoly sh*t…I agree with Jennie for the most part. You have some impact on your children. Their DNA is premade and they will be who they are meant to be. Way to many examples of children in the same family turning out so different…. Is it better to have great parents….of course…but don’t give yourself too much credit.
Anya@IW says
February 3, 2012 at 9:38 pmWow, a very interesting topic for sure. And one we can debate for quite some time. No doubt, involved parents give a child a huge advantage. I would only add my own personal experience as a single parent – it was sometimes difficult to find the hours to be as involved as I should have been at my child’s school and other activities.
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Modeling the behavior you want to see is critical without a doubt. My heart goes out to all the parents who read every parenting book, tried to do everything right (but who is really capable of doing everything ‘right’?) and still wind up with a child/adult with serious problems.
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The only parents I really judge are those who just “check out.” As long as you are engaged (at whatever is appropriate for your child’s age and/or maturity level) and offering everything you are capable of giving, then I think you should give yourself a pat on the back. Parenting isn’t for sissies!
snickers says
February 3, 2012 at 10:07 pmI’m too imperfect for this gal. As parents we strive to do out best, we fail at things, start over with a new idea on how to handle something, and hope for the best. I’ve seen the best kids from the so called “good homes” end up in trouble, and the “ignored” kids in life turn out very well. Tough parenting is the hardest to do, but you just have to hang in there.
HB says
February 4, 2012 at 5:14 amWhile I can appreciate the Satir quote…this is a topic w/o an end. There is no shortage of creative ways to raise a child, but thank goodness ‘one size does not fit all’! Anya, how right you are…’parenting isn’t for sissies’!!!
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Jane Warren, you have a wonderful story to tell. Certainly w. a master plan to fit your children in a unique environment. It all sounds so easy…! That small town life must have been painted by Norman Rockwell. I envy that. Unfortunately, I can not relate to it in what was my world – while raising our 2 children. Fortunately our children make us VERY proud, too. ;0)
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BUT now I’m watching a grandchild being raised…w. much TLC, yet in a mindset that is a whole nother path – foreign to us. Music, gymnastics started before one. Sign language instead of ‘using words’. NO t.v. or like stimulation before 3. The word NO is never uttered. I could go on, but I think you get the gist. Divine grandchild, loaded w. personality, bright as a button…but after one long weekend of babysitting…I thought I’d run my 1st marathon. (Our unspoken gift to both of our children, once they spread their wings…we don’t offer opinions unless asked w. specifics.) #2 grandchild arrives shortly. My husband/grandfather thinks their parenting may shift to more familiar territory. Lordy-be, I hope he’s right!
Lindsey says
February 5, 2012 at 4:42 amWhen embracing the parent-child relationship the demands are sometimes overwhelming and I think we must do whatever is necessary to help our children grow.One of my toughest challenges is encouraging my kids to be the best they can be while trying to mitigate the aspects of sibling discord.Good resolution skills are a must have.With all the teaching aides available today,Baby Einstein,Your Baby Can Read,Reading To Write, etc.,etc., we can very early develop their brain power and learning skills but sadly we lack the teaching aides that tell us how to launch a life.I have sorta developed my own launching plan through hugging,affirmation of love, praise,a special request to make themself and me proud by making good choices, to have a joy filled day, tp accept responsibility for their actions, and always listen to them with total attention. I recently tweeted that when you have a day with 0 fights, 0 crying, 0 boo-boos, just grins & giggles and complete harmony you feel the urge to do the “Happy Feet” dance. My Grandmother tells me that my kids are not trophies, they are small short teachers.
Jane’s article sounds like she mothered and parented in a self made Utopia. We mothers should all strive for a “little” Utopia in our own homes and hearts.