By Silvio Aladjem MD
The term “Birthing Experience” is a relatively newcomer to the lexicon of pregnancy. It is, I believe, not more than 25 years old. To test how common of a term it is today, I searched for “birthing experience”. It retrieved over 5 MIL quotes on Google, and over 45 MIL on Bing. I don’t know why such a difference of returns between the two, but most certainly, “Birthing Experience” is a common term.
But what does it mean? It means many things to different people. When my patients used to tell me that they were looking forward to their “birthing experience”, I always asked them what they had in mind. I never got the same answer twice. Obviously, a “birthing experience” is in the “eyes of the beholder”.
In my search, I noted that a majority of returns were from hospitals, birthing centers, and other organizations or individuals, catering to an audience for economic gain. They all assume that everybody knows what they are offering. But I don’t think that a “birthing experience” is the hotel- like amenities that hospitals or birthing centers offer. It certainly is a nice touch and a welcome departure from the old “wards” and “delivery areas” where many beds were separated by curtains in a common room. Midwives and doulas offer personalized care, support, emotional and otherwise. That is part of the birthing experience, but not quite what a birthing experience should be, in my mind anyhow.
Pregnancy is a natural event, without which humans would vanish from the face of the earth. This is true for us, as well as for any other living creature. Most people refer to Labor and Delivery, as an entity in itself. I beg to differ. Labor and delivery is the culmination of 9 months of pregnancy, long nine months, as any pregnant woman would attest to. Throughout the nine preceding months, many things occur, which will never be forgotten by the future mom. The day that pregnancy was confirmed – “Oh my, I’m pregnant”. The first time the baby moved – “Here, honey, keep your hand right there and feel the baby move”. The day you had an ultrasound and actually saw the baby, saw its heart beating, its movements, and its sex, if you wanted to know. It was also the day you got the first picture for the baby album, the baby before birth. You probably thought – “I am really going to be a mother”. None of these events are as dramatic as the birth itself, but they are unforgettable and part of the birthing experience. Psychologically, these events slowly set your mind and prepare your body for the last event: the actual birth of your child.
I submit to you, that the entire pregnancy is to be looked upon as a “birthing experience”, not just the actual labor and delivery. Besides, focusing on labor and delivery alone may have significant drawbacks. Pregnancies are unpredictable as is labor and delivery. All the plans in the world that you made may suddenly take second place to an unforeseen emergency. Believe it or not, they do happen. The unexpected event may be because of something not being all well with you, the baby or both. When emergencies occur, you and the baby’s wellbeing take priority over everything else. It would have been nice to be able to follow the script, but having a healthy mother and a healthy baby have priority. No one can argue that. Will you be disappointed? Perhaps, but the reward of you being well and the baby crying at birth announcing to the world its arrival, is a reward much greater than the missed soothing music or the hot tub delivery that you may have planned for. Did you miss the birthing experience? I don’t think so. When you are going to hold your baby in your arms, your heart will beat faster, and your mind will be spinning. It is really your baby, the one you saw on ultrasound, the one you, and only you, felt moving inside your body. What an experience!
Sometime ago, I read a blog by a lady who was complaining that she missed her “birthing experience”, because of an unexpected emergency that threatened the baby’s life and she had to undergo a cesarean section delivery. She appeared to be inconsolable. What struck me most, was the fact that at no point in her blog did she mention that she was happy to have a healthy baby, although I am sure she was. It was the missed “birthing experience” that was the focus of her blog. How can one explain that?
We live in a society where advertising, whether direct or subliminal, makes us buy one product as opposed to another, tells us what to eat, how to lose weight, makes up our mind on political issues, tells us where to travel, what hotel or what airline to use and so forth. During the last two to three decades, well-meaning people, as well as others that have an agenda, have pounded on the concept that a woman must have a “birthing experience”. Not the one I am talking about, but the one at delivery. “Orgasmic delivery” “natural birth”, “painless delivery without drugs” (?) and a multitude of other slogans, have invaded the woman’s privacy to the point that a woman feels to be less of a woman if she does not go through such “birthing experiences” as prescribed by others.
I say, come down to earth. Be yourself. From conception to birth, it’s a “birthing experience”. It’s your baby. Would you allow for others to tell you how to educate your child? Would you allow for others to bully your child? The answer is NO. Why, then, do you buy whatever others tell you what YOUR birthing experience should be?
It’s YOUR pregnancy. Enjoy it from the beginning and throughout. Have a real “birthing experience” the whole nine months. I promise you, that it will be unforgettable. The ultimate “birthing experience” is for you to be healthy and for the baby to be healthy. Is there anything else that matters? If there is, please educate me. Tell me what is more important than a healthy mother and a healthy baby?
SILVIO ALADJEM MD, an obstetrician/gynecologist and Maternal Fetal Medicine (high risk obstetrics) specialist, is Professor Emeritus in obstetrics and gynecology at Michigan State University, College of Human Medicine, in Lansing, MI. He is the author of “10,000 babies: my life in the delivery room” now available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other book stores. Dr. Aladjem published extensively in Scientific Medical Journals and wrote several textbooks in the specialty. He can be reached through his website, www.drsilvio.com.
What an excellent article! I think it should be required reading for all women who want to have a baby.
Yes, educate yourself, yes have an idea in mind for what type of birth you would like to ideally have, but be darn ready to roll with the punches and do what is needed to bring a healthy baby into the world when the time comes. I don’t care if a woman gives birth in a toilet, a taxi, in a operating room, hospital room, or in her own bed, the only thing that matters is doing everything you need to to have a healthy baby.
In that way I think the “delivery experience” prepares you for the “childhood” experience! You may think you know what you want in raising your child but life has a way of of happening when you are busy making other plans!
Thank you Dr Aladjem
I respectfully disagree except under the following highly improbable scenerio: If a mother receives evidence based care that is entirely respectful of her wishes and the professionals who tell her intervention is necessary have no other concerns besides the health of the mother and baby. Reality check: The vast majority of US moms birth according to hospital policy with little regard for what makes the mother most comfortable or the latest scientific evidence. I suggest those seeking more information simply google evidence based birth.
Having not had any children I can not say definitively what a woman actually goes through physically and psychologically from conception to the actual birth. I do agree that the experience is not only the birth itself. However, if that is what the woman giving birth believes–then for her at least-that is what matters. And NO woman does not want a happy and healthy child but all will love the child they give birth to.
It’s wonderful to see other stories of strong women, great post thanks for sharing.
I have had 2 pregnancies and both was amazingly beautiful! I love the feeling of giving life to my children!
I love to hear stories about other women’s pregnancies and labor stories. To me, I consider my birthing experience just that – when I was in labor and gave birth. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I agree that the birthing experience is a personal one and the women and her partner should be the one in charge of it. There are different options and that’s ok. to each their own
I love your article. I myself had three birthing experiences and each was very different from the other but all three were wonderful and I carry the memories of that moment when I first saw my child in my heart forever.
Having never had children I really don’t know what I can say as I have no idea what a women goes through in such an experience I do though always believe control can help calm such a situation. x
I agree. Even the people you love will try to tell you how to give birth for some reason, I just ignored it and did what I wanted. I’m glad I did.
I love this article. A birthing experience isn’t the same for everyone. it’s not just one way to experience it. And i love that you said to include the entire pregnancy in the experience as well. All three of my birthing experiences were different; from the beginning until the end. It is important to allow for diversity and understand we all don’t have to experience it all the same way for it to be wonderful.
I can see how it would be disappointing for things to be different than what you’d hoped for, but surely the end result of the baby erases all of that. It’s all that matters!
You are so right. Each and every birth is going to be different and everyone is looking for the birthing experience that would be perfect for them but I do think expectations may be to high and cause disappointment.
Each and every pregnancy is different. I had 7 and none were the same.
This is a fantastic article. that is very important to remember that is YOUR pregnancy and it will be unique to you.
I think that how much you reading about giving birth and read about other womens experiences you can’t be prepered fully before you actually are there and in action:) I have two kids and it was different, but then it is beacause I was 18 years old the first time and almost 25 years the second time:)
As long as everything is being done to make sure the baby has a healthy entrance to the world, I agree that it’s up to each individual woman to decide how she wants her birthing experience to go. But like you mentioned with the woman who was devastated that her baby was delivered in a way different than she planned, I also think it’s equally important that women are ready to do whatever it takes to ensure a healthy delivery, even if it isn’t what they originally planned. I have a lot of research to do before my husband and I decide to have children! 🙂
I had 3 successful births and each pregnancy (as well as the births) were different. But with the last one, I really enjoyed myself, because I knew this was the last one!
I have seen so many people that have focused on something that went wrong and never point out that they have a beautiful happy healthy baby that they love. It drives me crazy, thank you for sharing this, it is so true, the entire time is the experience.
I lived the birth experience three times and I would love to do it again! Here’s hoping!
None of my birthing experiences turned out the way I had planned but I was so pleased with the result it didn’t matter. 🙂
I was just having this conversation with someone at work about all of the combined experiences of pregnancy. Many people who haven’t experienced it think that it is just the pregnancy and the birth but there is a lot in between.
I loved being pregnant!! In fact, both times I had an easy pregnancy.
My first pregnancy was more enjoyable than my second, mainly due to situation. During the first, I meditated frequently, and when I went into labor I had as great of experience as possible when in pain from labor, lol. The nurse did say I was the most focused she had ever seen anyone, and that’s about all I really remember. I do remember it felt amazing (not counting the pain/pressure part).
I never really experienced childbirth. I had all c-sections which were scheduled. I know it doesn’t make me less of a mother but I do wish I had experienced it at least once.
I never had this type of birthing experience because I had a c-section but to me it was still a birthing experience and even though it was uncomfortable and the healing time took forever, I wouldn’t change it because it saved my son and I have a healthy & happy baby from it.
A healthy baby is always most important!
This post was really interesting to read, you have very smart and impressive thoughts, but I can’t relate to this since I’m too young to have kids, and I don’t plan on being a mommy in the near future 🙂
Whenever I’m pregnant, I always hope for a healthy baby and myself too. I always want a normal delivery and thank God I did! It’s painful but you’ll forget the pains after you see the smile of your babe. 🙂
Thank you for this wonderful post Dr. Aladjem. I have such respect for doctors and their vital role in birthing. I myself am terrified of the day that it will happen to me, but I’ll feel more confident with a doctor to guide me through the path.
Both of my pregnancies ended up the way I didn’t expect in emergency C-section. All I cared about at that moment was to deliver healthy babies no matter how.
What a wonderful article. It is very true, the experience is different for everyone. The best thing is that the experience brings a lovely little bundle of joy!
I truly appreciate your perspective. Bringing each of my children into this world has been completely different and never do I look back at individual moments, but the entire event of creating and bring such beautiful spirits into being.
The birthing experience is different for everyone. I had 2 c-sections and a VBAC and even though it was not what I had watched on TLC’s the Baby Show, it was my experience and I now had my little one. I would not change a thing.
I didn’t have a birthing experience. I had a C-section and didn’t even get to breast feed. My son was born premature but he is lovely and healthy and that to me is the best and most wonderful gift. I don’t care about the rest.
I feel like I am the minority. I have 4 children and while I am thankful they are here and wouldn’t change a thing, I cannot say I loved my pregnancies. I actually hated feeling pregnant and could not wait for them to be born. Do I want to do it again? Nope.
I was terrified of birthing and thankfully I had a C-section!
Thanks for the post, this brought back many memories from my own pregnancy and it had great advice. I am going to forward to a friend who is at the beginning of her pregnancy and might enjoy it also.
I completely agree.Everyone is different so their pregnancy will be too.
Thank you, Dr. Aladjem. Useful and practical advice. I wish more doctors offered their patients this perspective. Even though a pregnancy is one of the most meaningful experiences one will ever have, coming down to earth and realizing what is and what really isn’t important is always a good way to get needed perspective. Oh, and Miss Patty Pie has some good advice too!
I was told by so many people that my birthing experience would be “this” or would be “that”. As women, we get ourselves so worked up about what will happening during birth or how scared we are going to be. It’s never as bad as we think it will be. It’s actually the most amazing thing that can happen in a mothers life.