By Rebecca Yarros
“Sure, I have time to take that on,” I say. Oh, I’m such a liar. How often as women do we say that? There’s always something that needs to be done: a committee needs chairing, a new project at work, cupcakes made for school. One little thing may not matter, but little things add up. That’s how I ended up co-leading the wives group of our army unit, keeping up with four boys in hockey, fundraising for Boy Scouts, fostering our new little girl, slamming out edits to my debut novel, FULL MEASURES, and still saying yes to every little thing… all while my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. It was utter and complete madness, like one of those plate-spinners you see, jumping back and forth to keep the plates in the air. Do you have that picture? Now hold it for a year. This is my fatal flaw, my inability to say no. Well, I’m learning to say it. No. Let’s say that again. No. No. NO.
I always think there’s enough time to get it all done, and I’m certain there would be, if I could just stop sleeping, or maybe buy a clone? Truth is, every obligation we take on eats up our most precious resource, our time. Sure, I want to do all these things. I want to organize the perfect party for the wives group. I want to be the awesome mother in all our gluten-free insanity, and I want to be a credit to my agent and publishing house. I want to run every 5K, bake an awesome turkey, and wear pearls when my husband comes home at night like I’m staring in a 50’s sitcom. I want to be perfect. One thing I’ve learned through the insanity? Perfection is overrated. Balance is key. The less things I say “yes” to, the better I can do those things. When I take on too many obligations, spin too many plates, they all start to drop. I go from completely owning my life to watching it spin out of control.
There is nothing wrong with saying, “no.” It means we have respect for our families, ourselves, and our time. Saying “no,” means we can say “yes,” to something else that may be more important. Saying “no,” isn’t selfish, it’s prioritizing, which is something we have to do to lead balanced lives.
I’m not saying that we should turn down grocery shopping, or baking for the class party, or implying that we have to say no every time we’re asked to help. There are certain people in my life I will always say yes to – my husband, my agent, my publisher, and always my kids. But if something else needs my time? I’m learning that I have to stop “making” the time, and instead logically see if the time is actually there to be given. I’m only human. I cannot create more time. I cannot get everything done like a Stepford wife, and still maintain my sanity. Truthfully? I feel like a better woman when I’m able to say no, able to respect the limitations I know I have.
I’ve started asking myself these questions before I say, “Yes.”
- Is it your husband, your publisher, your agent, or most importantly – your kids?
- Do you have the time?
- What will you give up to do this? Can you let that other piece go?
- Are you the only person who can fulfil this duty?
- Will you waste more time feeling guilty than the time it would take you to do it?
The “guilt” question may get some people, but I’m human, and therefore susceptible to guilt. Especially from my mother. Now, if I answer all five of these questions “no,” then my response needs to be “no.”
I’m learning with age, that balance is the most important element in my life. When I have it, everything spins perfectly, and when I don’t… the plates start dropping. I’m not a fan of cleaning up the plates when they shatter on the floor. I’d rather say no, and admire the few pretty plates as they spin. And with an army aviator husband, and five kiddos at home? There’s always a plate to spin.
I implore you, choose your plates wisely.
Connect with Rebecca Yarros
About Rebecca Yarros:
Rebecca Yarros is the author of FULL MEASURES, a hopeless romantic, and lover of all things chocolate, coffee, and Paleo. Her blog, The Only Girl Among Boys, has been voted the Top Military Mom Blog the last two years, and celebrates the complex issues surrounding the military life she adores. She is madly in love with her army-aviator husband of eleven years, and they’re currently stationed in Upstate NY with their gaggle of rambunctious kiddos and snoring English Bulldog, but she would always rather be home in Colorado.
Make sure you check out Rebecca’s debut novel, Full Measures.
Purchase Full Measures
Sometimes It is very hard to say NO.. because you want to help. But I find I can only stretch myself so thin before I snap. Good list of questions before you say yes.
Sigh…I am one of “those” people that has a really hard time saying no. Then I end up taking too much and getting overwhelmed. Sometimes it’s hard to say no.
Sometimes you just have to say no i hate saying no and then regret saying yes as there is to much to do.
This is such a great post! The problem I’m having is that I’ve said “yes” for so long, that now when I say “no” it really throws people for a loop. And I never want to inconvenience anyone LOL I know, I know, I’m too nice 🙂 Just not to MYSELF!
That’s a great list of questions and I am sure very helpful. It can be so rediculosly hard to say no sometimes.
I am not very good at no. It’s so hard to find a balance without feeling the guilt.
i will help anyone i can till you burn me then it’s over i’ve learned the hard way saying no is sometimes a must no matter how hard it is.
I have gotten good at saying no over time I can say yes to things as well. I have found a way to nicely say no I’m not mean about saying no.
This is great, great advice. It is so hard for a lot of us to say no; I think women are generally inculcated with the desire to please and to help. There’s nothing wrong with that – far from it – but we have a right to say no when we deem something to be too much to handle (or just something that you don’t want to do – that’s okay too!).
One of the best things that I learned from Miss Manners is how to say no gracefully – you don’t have to make excuses or give reasons. All you need to do is smile regretfully and say, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t.” This may not work with close friends and relatives but for the vast majority of people out there who ask for your time or money, it’s the perfect, simple response.
What a great reminder on saying no sometimes. I’m guilty of being a Yes Woman myself and need to take a step back sometimes.
Good list of questions to ask. I know I’m guilty of stretching myself WAY too thin and wondering how in the world it came to ‘all this’. No needs to be more frequently in my vocabulary…
I also struggle with the guilt of trying to find balance for all the things that I juggle on a daily basis. Balance is definitely key.
I sometimes struggle with saying no, but because i have taken on too much in the past I think twice now to make sure i’m not getting in over my head.
I have learned to say no quite well now. My husband on the other hand needs to be more assertive about it, especially at work.
I’ve gotten better at saying no. I could still use improvement there though. 🙂
I’m also one of this that find it hard to say no. Since becoming a mom I’ve been getting a lot better without feeling a certain way.
I’m one of those women who need a clone- big time! It can be very hard to say no to my family, but I have gotten much better at it.
I have a hard time saying no to some people but for the most part, No! is very much in my vocabulary. My husband and children know both sides of this. Its a bad problem to have.
I’m trying to be more vigilant about saying NO to things that will eat up my time. I don’t mind helping others and working hard but when it begins to affect my family relationships, I know its time to pull back.
I think one of the hardest things for me was admitting that I couldn’t do it and actually trusting/letting my husband help me out. After all, that’s what he’s there for 🙂
I find it very hard to say no but sometimes no is important to say!
Oh boy, I’m another one that often has a hard time saying no. I’m working on it though because I take on way more than I can handle to the point that it effects my health. It’s a work in progress lol.
I’m horrible at saying no. And sometimes it’s hard for me just to stop! I always want to do things perfectly – above and beyond. I need to limit myself!
Alas, I am a “yes” person too. I am really trying to be more assertive and say no sometimes, as I get overwhelmed with the yeses.
I struggle with saying no. Thank You for posting this. It will definitely help lessen the guilt!