Reese Goes Rogue
Hello party people! It’s a special edition of celebrity news, memorializing poor Reese Witherspoon’s ignominious fall from grace and subsequent unfortunate incarceration.
In case you didn’t hear, Reese Witherspoon, beloved star of many movies in which she plays a blandly likable and wholesome romantic lead* and a few movies where she does other stuff, got herself arrested for disorderly conduct this past Friday in Atlanta. It was actually her husband, agent Jim Toth, who was stopped for driving like a spastic monkey hopped up on Robitussin (I believe that’s the technical term; basically, he was shit-faced). But our girl Reese was not going to just sit around and quietly allow any husband/agent of HERS to be sent to pokey, nosireebob! Witherspoon quickly talked herself into a set of metal bracelets and a trip down to the clink.
Quiz time! What statements did Reese Witherspoon make to the arresting officer that convinced him that she was hankerin’ for a drunk-tankerin’**?
a) “Do you know my name?
b) “You’re about to find out who I am … You are going to be on national news.”
c) “Xenu will avenge me! I demand that my prison phone call be to Tom Cruise!”
d) “I’m a U.S. citizen!…I’m standing on American ground!”
e) b and c (no one actually says any variation of “do you know who I am?” do they?)
f) all of the above
Answer: trick hidden answer! It’s:
g) a, b and d
Reese knows that the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy has a few more important things to do than get Tom Cruise on a prison phone for her. Check your thetans, girl.
Anyway, Reese has
ordered underlings to smite her enemies apologized and all is forgiven/forgotten; she explained through her publicist that it was a “scary situation” and she was “frightened” for her husband, which makes sense because driving drunk getting caught driving drunk IS scary.
Of course, there are still legal formalities to be observed, like the actually going to court and all that stuff. I’m guessing Reese can send a tall Romanian 7-year-old orphan in a blond wig in her place and as long as the kid doesn’t talk too much, it should be okay. Husband/agent Toth, being a non-famous, but famous-adjacent, will probably get off similarly lightly.
So, what have we learned here? (Besides, for the love of lemurs, TAKE A CAB!) A few things:
1) Cops are scary, much scarier than being in a 2-ton hunk of metal careening heedlessly down a street with a human pickle behind the wheel;
2) Cops don’t read People magazine nearly often enough;
3) Reese Witherspoon is *not*, I repeat NOT an illegal immigrant
4) the city of Atlanta lies within U.S. borders, as per the geographic know-how of Ms. Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon
All duly noted. That’ll do, Reese.
* Of course, Ms. Witherspoon’s oeuvre is not ALL “Sweet Home Alabama” and “How Do You Know”; once upon her time, in her wild misspent youth, she starred as a foul-mouthed juvenile delinquent in “Freeway”, which is sort of a bizarre profane modern take on “Little Red Riding Hood.” It’s a weird and disturbing (violent) movie, but strangely entertaining, if only to see Reese swear a blue streak and fight anyone who looks at her sideways.
** Don’t judge me; I’m working with what I have here.
Jennie has contributed to Imperfect Women since its inception in 2009. She writes about politics, celebrity news, and anything else that catches her interest.