By Jennie
Reese Goes Rogue
Hello party people! It’s a special edition of celebrity news, memorializing poor Reese Witherspoon’s ignominious fall from grace and subsequent unfortunate incarceration.
In case you didn’t hear, Reese Witherspoon, beloved star of many movies in which she plays a blandly likable and wholesome romantic lead* and a few movies where she does other stuff, got herself arrested for disorderly conduct this past Friday in Atlanta. It was actually her husband, agent Jim Toth, who was stopped for driving like a spastic monkey hopped up on Robitussin (I believe that’s the technical term; basically, he was shit-faced). But our girl Reese was not going to just sit around and quietly allow any husband/agent of HERS to be sent to pokey, nosireebob! Witherspoon quickly talked herself into a set of metal bracelets and a trip down to the clink.
Quiz time! What statements did Reese Witherspoon make to the arresting officer that convinced him that she was hankerin’ for a drunk-tankerin’**?
a) “Do you know my name?
b) “You’re about to find out who I am … You are going to be on national news.”
c) “Xenu will avenge me! I demand that my prison phone call be to Tom Cruise!”
d) “I’m a U.S. citizen!…I’m standing on American ground!”
e) b and c (no one actually says any variation of “do you know who I am?” do they?)
f) all of the above
Answer: trick hidden answer! It’s:
g) a, b and d
Reese knows that the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy has a few more important things to do than get Tom Cruise on a prison phone for her. Check your thetans, girl.
Anyway, Reese has ordered underlings to smite her enemies apologized and all is forgiven/forgotten; she explained through her publicist that it was a “scary situation” and she was “frightened” for her husband, which makes sense because driving drunk getting caught driving drunk IS scary.
Of course, there are still legal formalities to be observed, like the actually going to court and all that stuff. I’m guessing Reese can send a tall Romanian 7-year-old orphan in a blond wig in her place and as long as the kid doesn’t talk too much, it should be okay. Husband/agent Toth, being a non-famous, but famous-adjacent, will probably get off similarly lightly.
So, what have we learned here? (Besides, for the love of lemurs, TAKE A CAB!) A few things:
1) Cops are scary, much scarier than being in a 2-ton hunk of metal careening heedlessly down a street with a human pickle behind the wheel;
2) Cops don’t read People magazine nearly often enough;
3) Reese Witherspoon is *not*, I repeat NOT an illegal immigrant
4) the city of Atlanta lies within U.S. borders, as per the geographic know-how of Ms. Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon
All duly noted. That’ll do, Reese.
* Of course, Ms. Witherspoon’s oeuvre is not ALL “Sweet Home Alabama” and “How Do You Know”; once upon her time, in her wild misspent youth, she starred as a foul-mouthed juvenile delinquent in “Freeway”, which is sort of a bizarre profane modern take on “Little Red Riding Hood.” It’s a weird and disturbing (violent) movie, but strangely entertaining, if only to see Reese swear a blue streak and fight anyone who looks at her sideways.
** Don’t judge me; I’m working with what I have here.
Jennie has contributed to Imperfect Women since its inception in 2009. She writes about politics, celebrity news, and anything else that catches her interest.
I needed that laugh, Jennie! Love the title! But, in all seriousness, drinking and driving is a big NO-NO for everyone…celebrities included.
Hilarious as usual Jennie! I guess even the girl next door will throw her name around if she thinks it will help! Yikes!
Be warned peeps. If you drink and drive nothing will help you, not even being Mz Reese Witherspoon.
Jennie, Jennie, Jennie, or should I say Reese, Reese, Reese.
Early morning 🙂 Thanks!
Jennie, you slay me. “For the love of lemurs” – I have never heard that before and I am stealing it!
I was actually pretty shocked at Reese being arrested. I guess everyone makes mistakes.
So funny! My favorite term (living in Los Angeles) is “famous-adjacent”, that just cracked me up!
Thanks for the laughs. I think next time a police officer pulls me over, I’ll try the whole “I’m a U.S. Citizen” and see how far that gets me. This episode must be so mortifying, but still she must thank her lucky stars nobody was hurt. Live and learn and go back to being your adorable, likeable self, Reese.
Great post, Jennie! So funny.
Just read an article in People that just came out and the drama continues:
“The unorthodox picture has the Atlanta police and legal communities talking – and wondering if Witherspoon got preferential treatment.”
“You can’t look down in the photograph,” says Atlanta criminal defense attorney Peter Odom. “The whole point of a mugshot is for identification purposes. To my knowledge, there is no exception to this rule.”
I loved the line I am a US citizen. Does this mean all US citizens get off for drinking and driving. LOL.
Greta job Jeannie.
very funny article – not everyone is perfect like myself ha-ha.
i think when your in media you need to be extra careful of what you do as you have people all around you waiting for you to make a mistake- drinking and driving is a BIG NO for anyone
just because she is famous doesn’t mean she doesn’t make mistakes like everyone else she is human just like all of us
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???? LOL very funny I would have been like omg your the girl im talking to jail lol
Sucks to be Reese…I mean, I get wanting to stand up for your husband. But seriously, talking back to and making a scene with the COPS? That’s a guaranteed ticket to the clink. Silly girl. I hope she learned her lesson.
TMZ came out with video from the car dash cam. Has anyone seen it?
I just saw the tape! Living in Los Angeles and being around many “Celebrities” over the years I truly believe that most of them think just like Reese Witherspoon and would say: “do you know who I am?” They are treated in a different way and can get privileges that the average Citizen cannot. Fame (even for those with no talent) seems to open doors and get them favors that the average person could not!
I can’t watch – sympathetic embarrassment. I hear her Southern accent is out in full force, though!
She did appear on GMA yesterday and gave another pretty heartfelt apology, I heard.
She is only apologizing because she got caught and the Public can see how she really feels about herself and her “status” as a “Celebrity”! No different than all the constant parade of Politicians who are always apologizing. So fake!
I watched! I felt sorry for her, her husband giving her crap in the back of the police car, it was pretty funny and Reese was pretty jacked up! LOL Good thing she wasn’t driving is all I can say! 😉
Reese had to be pretty hammered when she said she was pregnant! I did see her apology and she has a new movie coming out and wonder how she will promote it with this still so fresh on everyone’s mind?
Totally surprised about this news. I have to see the videos myself. Can’t believe she did that.
I do believe people do/say stuff when they’re drunk that they wouldn’t do or say if they were sober; depending on the action, I don’t think it’s necessarily a revelation of that person’s “true self” or what they really think. It can be, but alcohol lowers inhibitions, so it can lead to some pretty crazy behavior.
loved that movie freeway
After canceling some appearances she did go on Good Morning American and apoligized for how she treated the policeman. I think her and hubby should spend their nights at home with their children instead of at the bars drinking.
Wow, this is great. Jennie, we are so lucky to have you. I am rolling.
I missed this whole thing, only heard a buzz and never saw the video. But, I know this is the best take on it.
She must have been good and gone. At that point, I’m wondering how people are on their feet.
Lol, I remember parts of Freeway.
I truly believe that most “Celebrities” believe they are more entitled and deserve a different standard of treatment than the average person. I just read this statement from another “Mental Giant” Gwyneth Paltrow: “I am who I am; I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year” and, “I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.” Seriously shameful as so much of the Country is struggling and so many Children go to bed hungry!