Life is full of pleasant surprises alternating with others that are painful. The painful events we attribute to the very essence of life, like the death of a loved one. We learned to accept such events as being out of our control. We mourn, cry and, eventually, time heals the emotional wounds and we remember the departed for the good memories we have of them. We never feel guilty about such natural events.
One of the most emotionally devastating events in a woman’s life is losing a pregnancy, an unborn child or a newly born shortly after delivery. The difference between a pregnancy loss and other life events is that, in pregnancy failure, the woman may feel guilty and responsible.
In our society, pregnancy is looked upon as a natural and normal event. When something goes wrong, the unspoken attitude is that perhaps the woman is not able to have a normal pregnancy. Since the woman herself never thought that her pregnancy might not be normal, she feels ostracized and guilty. Some time ago I wrote a blog on this site entitled: It’s Not Your Fault. You may want to review it since it is pertinent to what follows.
Most people take a proactive attitude towards their health. Health information is available all around us. Books, magazines, radio and TV programs, as well as Government agencies and private organizations, attempt to educate and inform us about our health, how to keep healthy, how to prevent an unhealthy situation. Most of us try to eat healthy, stop smoking or drinking excessively, exercise, and a multitude of other actions that we think will keep us healthy.
If we get sick, we don’t fall apart because we were supposed to be healthy. We try to learn as much as possible about what afflicts us, go to the doctor, take the prescribed medication, and hope our health returns to normal. In the vast majority of cases it does.
If you are pregnant, this sequence of events is skewed. Even before you got pregnant you “knew” that your pregnancy was going to be normal. So did your husband or father of the child, your parents, his parents and all your friends. Soon you will be making plans for your birthing experience, looking forward to your ultrasound to find out if it’s a girl or a boy, and making plans for your baby shower. Never, ever, did it cross your mind to ask your doctor or midwife –assuming you already started prenatal care- about what to look for in case not everything turns out not to be entirely normal. Chances are that, had you asked, they would have asked you back, why do you want to know? Many care providers are also brain washed by our society’s attitude, and don’t want to “scare” the prospective mother. They’ll deal with it, if necessary, when it happens.
This is, all around, a dangerous state of affairs. In a way it’s a deceiving game, betting on the fact that most pregnancies are normal. But lack of information can and will hurt, because you will be totally unprepared in the event there are problems. Needless to say, you don’t have to go to medical school to have a baby. You don’t need to know all the angles. You just need to be aware that, occasionally, things are not the way you want them to be. You’ll find out about the details when and if it happens. You don’t have to sign an “Informed Consent” when you get pregnant. In this case, a little bit of basic information goes a long way. Just the knowledge that not all pregnancies are normal will avoid the shock and despair if something does happen.
We offer and disseminate information on cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and a score of other public health problems, but not for pregnancy. This is the result of denial, societal bias and mores.
This societal attitude won’t change anytime soon. In the meantime, those pregnant women that unfortunately may fall outside the norm, are left to pick up the pieces struggling with their emotions and wondering what’s wrong with them. They were supposed to have a normal pregnancy.
SILVIO ALADJEM MD, an obstetrician/gynecologist and Maternal Fetal Medicine (high risk obstetrics) specialist, is Professor Emeritus in obstetrics and gynecology at Michigan State University, College of Human Medicine, in Lansing, MI. He is the author of “10,000 babies: my life in the delivery room” now available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other book stores. Dr. Aladjem published extensively in Scientific Medical Journals and wrote several textbooks in the specialty. Should you wish to contact him, you may do so at: dr.aladjem@gmail.com
You can read more of Dr. Aladjem’s posts on Imperfect Women by clicking here. Dr Aladjem also answers questions of medical interest related to pregnancy in a recurring post here at Imperfect Women. You can read more details about this feature and ask a question by filling out the form here.
Dotty J Boucher says
June 25, 2016 at 9:06 amI have lost a child and had gone through so much emotional hurt and pain, So much thinking of what did I do
wrong , why me, and so much more. I pray for anyone who has lost a child, know that you are loved and its not your fault..
@tisonlyme143
Mimi says
June 26, 2016 at 1:24 amSo sorry for your loss Dotty (not that such sentiments can even begin to redress your loss and pain).
donna porter says
June 25, 2016 at 1:05 pmThis is so sad. I have never been through this but I have a friend that suffered greatly after losing her child right after birth.
Nellwyn says
June 25, 2016 at 1:59 pmI can’t imagine how hard it must be to lose a pregnancy! I know some women who have really struggled with this because it’s such a hard loss.
Brandy says
June 25, 2016 at 6:08 pmWhat a sad topic, but important one. Glad you wrote about this!
michelle elizondo says
June 25, 2016 at 9:20 pmSo sad. My heart goes out.
Mimi says
June 26, 2016 at 1:32 amMy heart goes out to anyone who has suffered such a devastating loss.
It’s necessary for us women to be able to speak about such matters if we are to lessen the feelings of shame, taboo, despair and failure. Whilst pregnancy is a joyous occasion, we do need to be better educated as to potential complications – if not solely for the purpose of safeguarding us against the myth of stillbirth and miscarriage only occurring in the the third world.
Neely Moldovan says
June 26, 2016 at 6:51 amI can’t even imagine what this is like.
Jeanine says
June 26, 2016 at 7:08 amLosing a pregnancy is something horrific. Some people think it’s nothing, while others find it life changing. I found it to be incredibly sad and hard. I had lost a pregnancy 13+ years ago before my oldest was born and able to have 6 kids after with no complications. When trying for #7 we lost two pregnancies and I was devastated! I didn’t understand why, or how it could happen back-to-back but luckily we were able to get through it and #7 will be arriving this summer!
Dorothy Cooper says
June 26, 2016 at 8:36 amWhen I had my private pratice, I specialized in bereavement counseling. The most difficult losses are losses of a child and it gets complicated with post partum depression. I also think the best connection for women who lost a child is to speak to others mothers who suffered a loss. I know when my brother died connecting with other people who wrestled with their feelings of loss comforted me greatly. I was in therapy because my brother was my father and mother surrogate. Journaling and peer support networks also are great when family or friends may inadvertently turn away due to their own discomfort. I am always happy to help anyone. I am a retired school psychologist and I suffer from systemic arthritis and use wheelchair.
Elizabeth O. says
June 26, 2016 at 9:28 amIt’s never easy to lose someone so precious especially a baby. I can only imagine the pain someone goes through when this happens and I admire them for their bravery. My heart goes out to them.
Catherine Sargent says
June 26, 2016 at 9:36 amThank you for this post. I never really thought about what it must be like before reading this. I feel so bad for anyone who has had to go through this.
Sarah Bailey says
June 26, 2016 at 10:24 amThis is such a sad topic – I can’t imagine what it must be like to find out everything isn’t OK, just horrid. x
lisa says
June 26, 2016 at 2:37 pmI wouldn’t know what to say to someone that lost a child. In a way, I can relate but not totally. At two my son was very ill and did pass, but they brought him back. It’s the worst thing a parent can go through.
Rachel Langer says
June 26, 2016 at 6:16 pmI can’t imagine the pain of such a loss. I would want to help anyone who was going through this, but I would be at a loss for comforting words.
Amber Nelson says
June 26, 2016 at 6:46 pmI can’t even imagine the pain. I don’t even know what to say. So heartbreaking!
Amber Nelson says
June 26, 2016 at 7:14 pmThis would be a total devastation, I don’t even know what to say. True, pure sadness.
Sheri says
June 26, 2016 at 8:06 pmI am a new and first time mom and cannot even begin to imagine the pain of what this could ever feel like. The devastation and heartbreak. This would be what I would consider to be the worst thing to ever happen. Heartbreaking.
Reesa Lewandowski says
June 26, 2016 at 8:32 pmIt is such a hard loss. You take it all on yourself, since it is the ONE thing your body is supposed to be doing. Reminds us that we are all such miracles!
Tiffany says
June 27, 2016 at 1:37 amMy heart goes out to those that have suffered this loss. I am very fortunate that I never had any issues but it seem that so many do. It is a shame that they blame themselves. I think that many parents take on blame when anything happens to their children.
Shirley Wood says
June 27, 2016 at 5:59 amMy youngest daughter experienced a miscarriage several years ago. It has affected her view on pregnancy and caused a fear which still remains. It’s a difficult situation to deal with and must be viewed with an open, honest attitude with oneself. It is wise for women who may not have healthy lifestyles or have genetic predispositions to illness, disease or conditions to consider the possibilities of what affect that could have on their future chances of pregnancy.
Stephanie Manley says
June 27, 2016 at 9:39 amWhat an awesome reminder that things happen and that does not mean it is your fault. Thank you for sharing.
Yvonne says
June 27, 2016 at 9:47 amI cannot imagine the pain. I only felt a fraction of the fear and panic when I had some bleeding during my first trimester and I was heartbroken and panicked when my OBGYN was not available. I am thankful that it was just a scare and all went well after that. I constantly pray and be thankful that I have a baby to love. I just wish no woman have to go through that kind of pain to lose a baby.
Cynthia L says
June 27, 2016 at 12:18 pmWhen I was trying to get pregnant, I learned more about getting pregnant and staying pregnant than I thought was necessary. Then I had a miscarriage at my first pregnancy. I was glad that I had learned so much prior to the pregnancy. It didn’t make it any easier emotionally, but it did help me to make more sense out of the whole thing. This is great information.
Brooke says
June 27, 2016 at 12:20 pmLast year I lost four pregnancies and ended up in the ER with complications. It was the final straw that broke my marriage and made me have to start my entire life over. It was horrible to go through, but now I can look back and it’s almost as if it happened to someone else. Not me. I just can’t process it still.
Pam@IW says
June 27, 2016 at 8:14 pmBrooke,
So sorry for your losses. It sounds like you have been through a difficult period. I hope you find a way to work through this.
Rebecca Bryant says
June 27, 2016 at 4:26 pmBeing a mom is hard work but to lose a child that is just debating. I lost a child and to this day that loss stays with me. I look at every child that is the age my child would have been adn wonder what my child would have been like.
Angela says
June 27, 2016 at 4:54 pmI have never suffered such a loss, and can only imagine how difficult it must be. It sounds like Dr. Aladjem’s resources could be helpful.
Adriane says
June 27, 2016 at 6:00 pmI have friends that have been through this and it’s harder than most people realize.
carissa garabedian says
June 27, 2016 at 6:42 pmThank you for sharing such a raw and emotional post with us. Loss is never easy.
Debra says
June 27, 2016 at 9:17 pmI really wish we could remove the stigma of miscarriage. I hate that women are basically told to grieve behind closed doors.
Mrs. AOK says
June 27, 2016 at 9:27 pmThank you for sharing this article. I feel like this will be helpful to someone that has just experienced such a heartbreaking loss. I’ve never personally gone through this, but I do have family and friends who have, and it’s truly heart wrenching.
Maya | Wholesome Yum says
June 27, 2016 at 9:54 pmThis is such a sad subject but important to talk about. It’s terrible that society places this stigma around it.
Amanda Love says
June 28, 2016 at 4:50 amWhile I’ve never lost a baby I can’t imagine the pain that most go through and he’s right, remember it’s not your fault, there was nothing that you did wrong, unless of course you abused drugs/alcohol etc, but remember that life goes on and things will get better, but be sure to ask for help if you’re getting depressed and you’re not able to handle it.
marthalynn says
June 28, 2016 at 12:59 pmWow. This was great to read. I haven’t suffered a pregnancy loss, but have several friends who are dealing with this exact issue right now. Thank you for sharing this poignant perspective.
Amanda M says
June 28, 2016 at 1:46 pmSuch a sure thing. I had a miscarriage early on last year and it was a raw feeling.
Melinda Berlin says
July 6, 2016 at 6:57 amOne of my close friends lost her baby at childbirth, he was still born. Such a tragedy as she carried him full term. They have put their energy and focus on a great charitable effort that gave them a few more hours with their son. The organization and link to their own Go fund Me page is listed https://www.gofundme.com/psqd3gh2