I know we’re all sad that I didn’t get my act together in time to include the late,
great Rick Santorum in my rundown of Republican presidential candidates; it truly was a missed opportunity. Sure, we all knew about Santorum’s weird focuses on gay sex and bestiality and all that, but did you know that while in the Senate, Santorum managed to squeeze $72,000 out of a financially strapped school district in Pennsylvania, his “home” state, for the home schooling of his children, in spite of the fact that said Santorum offspring resided in Virginia the whole time? Bilking the government is bad when OTHER people do it, Uncle Rick says!
Um, where was I? Oh, yes, we’re leaving Chairman Sweater-Vest behind and moving on to greener pastures. Now that Willard (Not That Rat From That Movie) “Mitt” Romney has all but grasped the Republican presidential nomination with his smooth, lily-white, classmate tormenting, dog-abusing paws, it’s time to take a look at who will be chosen to fulfill the illustrious role of
human paperweight Vice President, should Willard claim victory in November.
And away we go!:
Marco Rubio: U.S. Senator from Florida; appears to be currently attached at the hip to Romney. A brief internet search turned up no solid evidence that he’s an awful person, though I discovered he’s younger than me, which I resent just on principle. The biggest “controversy” I could find on Rubio was that he’d lied during his campaign about his parents being forced to leave Cuba after Batista was ousted by Castro in 1959, when in fact they’d left earlier, in 1956, presumably of their own free wills. Since Cubans in Florida seem to be just rabid on the subject of Castro, even 50+ years into his reign, I guess I can understand Rubio wanting to be part of the Cuban Cool Kids Clubs and fudging a bit on the dates. Of course, I agree with the man on just about nothing, but I suppose Romney could do worse. Odds: 2-1.
Paul Ryan: Here comes the worse! Also younger than me. I’m sensing a (depressing) theme here. But! Ryan appears to be at least 50% more terrible than Rubio, based in part on his (recently renounced) devotion to Ayn Rand. Rand was philosophically callous and heartless enough to appeal to the most right-wing of conservatives, but sadly, she was also a Godless atheist, so she’s gotta go. Thus, in spite of copious evidence, preserved on this here thing called the Internet for all to see, Ryan is now saying he’s never even heard of Rand, and he in fact believes Objectivism to be a cutting edge cinema technology, similar to 3-D but when heavy objects on the screen start flying towards the viewer, he or she actually gets hit in the head! (an experience similar to reading Atlas Shrugged from cover to cover, or so I’m told). Anyway, Ryan’s lack of Southerness and his shadowy association with a figure who didn’t think Christianity was the bestest thing ever!!!! makes him an unlikely Veep choice. Odds 4-1.
Chris Christie: Governor Sandwich! Older than me! If he wasn’t such an awful person, I’d like him (I mean, I really, really love sandwiches). Probably too fat and non-Southern to make an ideal running mate. (I should lay off Christie’s weight, because in the words of the great awful Neil Cavuto, joking about it is “racism – with a scale.” I’m not sure Cavuto understands how “racism” works, but whatever.) But Christie is also quite a dick, which makes him an ideal running mate for Romney! He’s crude and misogynistic: When a female constituent asked a question about “jobs going down”, Christie responded, “You know something may be going down tonight but it ain’t gonna be jobs, sweetheart.” He’s full of contempt for his fellow Americans: “When the American people no longer believe that this is a place where only their willingness to work hard and to act with honor and integrity and ingenuity determines their success in life, then we’ll have a bunch of people sitting on a couch waiting for their next government check.” Because I guess Christie doesn’t believe that the economy is bad or that jobs are hard to find; it’s just that we’re so darn lazy! I guess he won’t be blaming anyone but potential voters for America’s woes on the campaign trail, which might clash with his
robot overlord’s running mate’s message. He’s a bully: many are the stories of Christie yelling at and berating anyone who dares to disagree with him, especially his constituents (!). About his only plus (at least from one perspective) is that his low-class image balances out Mitt’s elitist Richie Rich one. Odds: 7-1.
Mitch Daniels: Perhaps the most interesting thing about Milquetoast Mitch (aside from the fact that he’s part Syrian – I wonder if he’s a secret Muslim!) is his sordid personal history vis a vis his marriage(s). That’s plural marriages, to one woman – he married his wife Cheri in 1978, and they divorced in 1993 when Cheri allegedly left him for another man. By 1997 Cheri had apparently decided that a spouse with a pulse wasn’t all it had cracked up to be, so she broke up with husband number 2 and remarried husband number 1. This scandalous scandal was supposedly the reason that Daniels decided not to run for president. Who wants a first lady who’s a hussy? Odds: 10-1.
Nikki Haley: …and speaking of hussies. Kidding! I’m kidding. I’m sure those reports about her extramarital activities are false, and who cares about a politician’s private sexual behavior, anyway? (Aside from Haley’s natural constituents, conservative “moral values” Republicans, that is!) But between those rumors, her terrible approval rating in the state she governs, and the fact that she wasn’t even raised as a Christian (gasp!), she doesn’t seem like she has much going for her other than her South Carolina address, as far as potential running mates go. Odds: 20-1.
Bobby Jindal: Like Haley, an American of Indian descent (not trying to make any point; it’s just an interesting factoid to me). Also, like Haley, governor of a Southern state. Plus: no sex scandals that I’m aware of. Minuses: kind of a pencil-necked geek? Famously flubbed a big opportunity in 2009, giving a poorly-received Republican response to President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress. Odds: 7-2.
Tim Pawlenty: Oh, dear, I just nodded off. Who were we talking about? Oh, right, Governor Tim, who likes to be called T-Paw (I’m serious. Would I joke about something like that?) A Romney-Pawlenty ticket would be the blandest since Millard Fillmore briefly chose a cup of warm milk as a running mate in 1852, before deciding that the milk was upstaging him on the campaign trail. Odds:
stultifying to boring 5-1
Rob Portman: Who? Never heard of him. Odds: 8-1.
About the Author:
Jennie has contributed to Imperfect Women since its inception in 2009. She writes about politics, celebrity news, and anything else that catches her interest. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.