Imperfect Women

It’s Not Your Fault

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000068750037The likelihood of complications happening to you during pregnancy is low. But if it does, Dr. Silvio Aladjem wants to make sure you know, it’s not your fault.

By Silvio Aladjem MD

Pregnancy, by its very nature, is one of the most sensitive times a woman will ever live through. The mere fact that a new life is developing inside her, is an exhilarating feeling that will never be forgotten. As one of my patients once told me: “We are both looking forward to the birth of our baby, but it’s different for my husband. Only I felt the baby’s first movement inside me. I am a mother.”

We all expect our pregnancy to be normal. After all, babies have been born since the dawn of time. No mother thinks that her pregnancy would be anything else but normal and her child anything but a beautiful baby. But what is a normal pregnancy? Can we really assure a prospective mother that her pregnancy will sail smoothly without a glitch? No person, be that a physician or midwife, could, absolutely and unequivocally, assure the future mother, that it will be so. One would be foolish to do so and guilty of deceit, because pregnancies are not always normal, even if most of them are, and they are unpredictable.

The purpose of any pregnancy is that of having a healthy mother and a healthy baby. No one can refute that. The problem we have is, that we can only say that we achieved our goal once a healthy mother goes home with a healthy baby. Otherwise said, we can only tell that a pregnancy was normal when we look backwards, after the fact.

This seems to be quite straight forward. What is, than, the problem?. The problem is, that we never think about a normal pregnancy in those terms. As a result, we expect “de facto” to have a normal pregnancy. Things can happen , we know, but not to us. We are healthy, do the right thing, read the proper books, go to prenatal classes, have prenatal care, and make plans for our delivery and our birthing experience. When something happens, we are bewildered, hurt, and suspicious. Somebody must be at fault.

Since women, and not men, have children, it follows that the woman must be at fault. History does not help either. For centuries, a woman was vilified if she could not give her husband a son. Kingdoms have been lost because of that. Never mind that it is the husband’s sperm that determines the sex of the future baby, not the mother’s egg. In our society, we never talk about complications of pregnancy. “Mary had a nice baby” is a common statement. When was the last time that you heard that “Mary had a stillborn?” But you may occasionally hear that “Mary cannot carry a baby to term”.

As a result, women have felt the pressure of being a good reproducer and feel guilty if they cannot perform as expected. I have seen women having miscarriage after miscarriage, trying desperately to prove that they can reproduce, that they are “normal”, instead of trying to find out what the problem may be. I had husbands telling me that “She can’t get pregnant”, but 50% of infertility problems are because of the male factor and not the woman’s problem.

No one singles you if you have diabetes, and if you do have it, you take care of it and do not feel abnormal. . If a woman has “gestational diabetes”, that is diabetes during pregnancy, she feels guilty, may refuse treatment because “she’ll be ok”, and her first question is “will I have diabetes next time?” instead of asking:”does this mean I will have diabetes all my life?”. She feels guilty of not being “normal”. I have had patients who had to be on insulin during pregnancy, and faked their record of blood sugars levels, just to prove that they do not need insulin, and consequently they were normal. They would not dream of doing that if they wouldn’t be pregnant.

Unfortunately, not all pregnancies are normal. Some have serious problems. But that is the nature of pregnancy. It is not your fault. If your pelvis is too small, it’s the price that humans pay for being bipeds instead of quadrupeds. It’s not your fault. If you should have the misfortune to have a baby with a malformation, it’s a quirk of nature, most of the times. It’s not your fault. Should you have the misfortune of having preeclampsia, the cause of which we still don’t understand, it’s not your fault.

You probably don’t know, but 10-15% of all pregnancies will miscarry. One out of 8 pregnancies will end in preterm births, i.e. before 37 week’s gestation. Premature Rupture of Membranes prior to term may occur in 8% of all pregnancies followed by early labor and/or infection. Hypertensive disorders occur in 5% to 10% of pregnancies. Serious infection of the kidneys occurs in 1% to 2% of pregnancies. Gestational Diabetes is diagnosed anywhere between 2% and 10% of pregnant women. Three to 5% of all babies are born with congenital anomalies.

The likelihood of any of these complications happening to you is low. But if it does, it’s not your fault. In fact it’s not the fault of any of the mothers that may face such hardship. It’s not their fault.

Sooner or later, our society will have to change the “wishful thinking” attitude and accept the reality that complications do happen in pregnancy, even if the vast majority of pregnancies are normal. But beware of falling into a false sense of security that “it’s rare, it won’t happen to me.” If it happens to you, it’s not rare, it’s a 100%. But one thing is sure. It won’t be your fault. Remember that.

10,000 BabiesSILVIO ALADJEM MD, an obstetrician/gynecologist and Maternal Fetal Medicine (high risk obstetrics) specialist, is Professor Emeritus in obstetrics and gynecology at Michigan State University, College of Human Medicine, in Lansing, MI. He is the author of “10,000 babies: my life in the delivery room” now available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other book stores. Dr. Aladjem published extensively in Scientific Medical Journals and wrote several textbooks in the specialty. He can be reached through his website, www.drsilvio.com.

 

 

 

Comments

  2. I think having a doctor who is concerned for the mom’s mental health during a complicated pregnancy is so important. Of my 3, all born healthy and full-term, one was difficult. I can attest that what this doctor says about feeling unnecessary guilt is true.

    Reply

  3. Nice write up. It is also important for women before and after pregnancy to have a supportive husband, family and friends to reduce feeling of inferiority and incompetence. Also, Pray… God’s miracle can move mountains and so as bad feelings.

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  9. What an amazing article. I was never able to have children and I always carried with me the heavy feeling that it was my fault. I know many women feel the same way, especially if they miscarry or lose a baby. Thank you so much for writing such an important piece.

    Reply

  11. Great article. It is so scary being responsible for a tiny, vulnerable life; it’s hard not to feel responsible for everything that happens!

    Reply

  14. It is hard not to feel responsible for what your body is doing when that little life is involved. Like those above, I was also afraid and nervous during my pregnancies. My last one was terrifying to me because I felt like the oldest mother in the world at 40. My body did not care for that one bit and I doubted she would make it into the world.

    Good point Mel, having that support means everything.

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  15. My pregnancies were tough, I had several miscarriages in between pregnancies and almost lost my precious 6 month old on several occasions. I was on bedrest for 6 months and it was hell…but I always tell myself that I have 2 perfect little girls and I am here and healthy…that is all that matters.

    Wonderful post! Thank you!

    Reply

  23. This is such an important message to pound into our brains. So many people still blame the mom for anything that my go wrong in the pregnancy. And it just isn’t right. These are things we have absolutely no control over so why should there be blame placed? I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. And I felt extremely guilty. It was a hard event to heal from mentally and physically. It is very important to remember it is NOT the moms fault. Thank you for this message.

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  24. I sailed through my first pregnancy with flying colors, but in attempting for a second, I still worry that I could end up with complications, or something could go wrong. Women naturally assume a lot of responsibility for things, I feel, so this is a really good reference for those times we are carrying the world on our shoulders.

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  26. I was the person who had to have complications during pregnancy. They were scary and I wondered what I could have done differently, but I finally realized it was not my fault.

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  27. This was such a great article. I have a friend who has miscarried several times. Her doctors have told her repeatedly that her lifestyle has nothing to do with it; it’s just “one of those things.” You would be amazed at the insensitive comments she has gotten from so many people. She is a little curvy but by no means fat, and one of her coworkers even told her that maybe she’s losing her babies because she’s not thinner. I’m going to share this article with her as reinforcement that her losses have not been her fault, so thank you.

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  28. My daughter was born perfectly healthy. All four of my children were, but with her there was a chance she wouldn’t be. There was a ‘spot’ on the sonogram. She could have had one of three things, the most difficult being Downs Syndrome, the least difficult being nothing. Many times abortion was alluded to from both my OB/GYN and the specialist he had me going to after the spot.

    I’d have had her/loved her/cared for her no matter what, but after an amnio it was determined she was fine. Hurrah!

    During that time when we did not know, however, I did NOT feel like I’d done anything wrong but someone very important to me was blaming (what was nothing anyway!) me. It was very disheartening. This is a good message to share.

    Reply

  29. For me the whole idea of pregnancy is a miracle. So many things can go wrong, but for the most part they don’t. People are always going to judge. It is only when someone is in their shoes will they understand the process of pregnancy.

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  30. This is a great post. I have suffered a couple of miscarriages and nothing is more painful than losing a baby. I always wondered if I did something wrong or if I would have done something different things would be different. It has been several years since this has happened but it is nice to read this and remind myself that it wasn’t my fault.

    Reply

  32. I had a few m/c before I had both my daughters and it’s extremely hard. You can’t help but think that it’s something that you did. This sounds like a good book that would have helped me…

    Reply

  33. thank for this post. i know that birth and pregnancy matters. i wish we could connect more with ourselves through this process with less intrusion from others

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  34. Really good post. Im sure alot of women blame themselves when the come across complications. Hopefully this message is inspiring to women who ware pregnant

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  35. I didn’t really worry about things like this when I was pregnant, mainly because I was unhappy about BEING pregnant and I really didn’t care either way. But even as I came to accept it and be happy, it still didn’t cross my mind. I’m oblivious like that xD

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  37. I also believe support from the hubby/family is important! I had tons of difficulties but I just had to stay happy and strong b/c I didnt want to cause any stress for the baby.

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  38. Thank you for writing that, it does feel bad, but not because society expects a perfect pregnancy but because my boys have to deal with the consequences. It’s life, I know, but it’s heartbreaking not to be able to provide the best starting point in life to your own kids, knowing how hard life is even when it’s all perfect in the beginning.

    Reply

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