As you’ve probably already heard there is much speculation of a defector in our midst. A turncoat! A former Kate fan gone sour. Quite possibly one of us. After careful debate we’ve each picked the Imperfect Woman we believe has gone rogue. So far no one has copped to the charge, so we can only guess……
Samantha: I’m pretty sure it’s Anya. Sweet, diplomatic Anya. No one can be all sugar and spice. Besides, I have it on good authority that she has sworn off water filters, monkey munch and even Ann Taylor. Jennie told me that Anya has taken to frequently using the word “wonky” and refers to anything other than a sensible flat as “hooker shoes”. Last week she even hid Jennie’s 20% off Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon. Imagine- buying something without a coupon!
Pam: I pick PattyPie
Sam: Pam, she isn’t part of Imperfect Women.
Pam: Oh she’s not? Then I think it is Nancy. For sure it is Nancy. She mentioned she wasn’t going to be around for awhile in the near future, didn’t she?
Erin: Nice try Pam. We all know its you. Word is she’s starting a new site called Perfect Women. Plus, might I remind you all that Pam has mentioned on several occasions that she has never really been a Kate “fan”? She’s the obvious choice.
Ann: I’ve been up at night worrying about this all week! I’ve been suspecting Lily ever since she sent me a picture of Kate that was blown up about 100x with the question, “Do you think that she is using cover stick to hide a blemish????” And she keeps asking me if the real moms at my school wear hooker heels to pick up their kids. It’s Lily, isn’t it? Just confess!.
Jennie: I have conducted a thorough investigation, and have come to the sad but inevitable conclusion that the “black sheeple” is none other than our own Samantha. My exhaustive research has encompassed the Google search engine, the writings of the 16th century mystic Nostradamus, and my own vivid imagination. My chief (though hardly only!) pieces of evidence, to wit:
S-A-M-A-N-T-H-A has eight letters, as does H-A-T-E-K-A-T-E. Through a complicated algorithm (which will be detailed thoroughly in my upcoming self-published book, “I’m Not Crazy, Why are You Looking at Me Like That?”), I have discovered that the former is actually a cryptogram of the latter. Coincidence? I think not.
Samantha has two children; Kate has eight children. Eight minus two is six. Can it be any coincidence that 6(66) is the mark of the beast? You tell me.
Samantha is from the South; Kate is from the North. This weeks marks the 150th anniversary of the beginning of the Civil War. Can THIS be a coincidence? I will leave it to you, dear reader, to decide. (The answer is no, by the way.)
In conclusion, I think it’s clear that Samantha must be the baa-, baa-, I mean, BAD sheeple. I am also working on evidence that she is responsible for a number of other misdeeds, the nature of which I cannot reveal at this time. Let’s just say that if OJ ever gets out of prison, he might want to look for Samantha on the golf course. Also, I am trying to determine her proximity to a certain grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. She would tell you that she was almost 20 years from being born, but that just seems a little too convenient, doesn’t it?
Anya: Why do I suspect that Jennie is IW’s turncoat? Let’s just say I have information that only a sister would be privy to. First of all, let’s just get this out of the way, Jennie is a NARCISSIST. Through Wikipedia, WEB MD and the lovely charming, well-adjusted ladies at the anti-fan sites, I have learned so much about narcissism. I am far more of an expert than anybody who actually attended medical school. I have lived it.
Jennie obnoxiously entered our tranquil family home when I was a mere 17 months old. Up until that point, I had been my mother’s favorite (I was an only child). Even at two days old, Jennie would have none of that. She insisted on being the center of attention. Waking my mother at all hours. It seemed as if Jennie was determined that MY mother focus the majority of her attention on her!
Fast forward forty years and nothing has changed! At GDNNOP, Guinevere relished being the most hated poster, even though I introduced her to this cute little reality show with the neurotic mother and cute kids. Did she give me credit? Nope. But that’s a narcissist for ya!
Some have commented that the Jennie at IW seems mild compared to GDNNOP days. I know better. Jennie is still an extremist – she is just on the other side. You want proof? She’s a narcissist. That’s my proof and all I will have to say about this matter.
By the way, mom loved me best!
Lily: I know its Ann. Ann was incensed that Kate would dare start hootergate when she began flaunting her girls all hussy-like. Neglecting her family, Ann spent day and night analyzing pics and charting changes in perkiness. Ann went as far as to consult with several plastic surgeons. Shoving pics of Kate’s chest at them, she demanded they tell her if new headlights had been installed or was it in fact just a really “good bra”. The doctors could neither confirm nor deny and quickly called for security. Still not satisfied, Ann crafted a dummy of Kate and ordered thousands of bras. Desperate and deep in bra-debt, Ann’s family attempted a failed intervention. Sadly, they had no choice but to lock the doors leaving the dummy of Kate as Ann’s only companion. They later heard that Ann had been arrested for brawling with a prostitute. Ann kept insisting the hooker’s shoes belonged to her Kate. While her family is unsure of her current whereabouts, Ann was last seen on a bench dressing her Kate in a turtleneck yelling “real or not, you’ll keep them covered up like any decent mother would!”
Nancy: It’s obviously Erin. She’s never been a huge Kate admirer- unlike the rest of us. She doesn’t have a shrine and she refuses to observe Kate’s birthday as an official holiday. She hated the Kate lopsided ‘do and I’m pretty sure she never once voted for Kate on DWTS.
So it’s up to you faithful readers. Who do you think the rebel is? Cast your votes. Wild cards welcome!