Our long national nightmare is over – Paris Hilton appears to have a new boyfriend. She was spotted canoodling (“canoodling,” by the way, is a word solely used by gossip columnists; that must mean I’m legitimate!) with some guy who directed The Hangover(s), Parts I and II. I’ll admit I’m relieved. Last week I read that Paris was considering staying single for a while, after breaking up with her previous boyfriend, some guy named Cy (or possibly Sy; I said I was legitimate, I didn’t say I was good). All I could think was that for someone like Paris, with so much love to give, to withhold herself from the world of romance would be a crime against nature. Also, if there’s another person around there’s a better chance that someone will remember to feed her 28 tiny dogs and they won’t all starve to death.
It appears that the world is almost ready to welcome a new Beckham! Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice) is reportedly undergoing a c-section today with her husband, soccer star David Beckham (aka OMG he’s hot) at her side. The baby Beckham will be the couple’s first girl; they have three sons. I predict she will come out of the womb with a scowl on her face, five-inch spike heels, and a dumb name.
Tea Leoni and David Duchovny have separated. Duchovny underwent treatment for sex addiction in 2008. (Is sex addiction a real thing now? Last I heard, the APA didn’t consider it one, but everyone acts like it is. I still have my doubts.)
In other cheating cheater news, Maria Shriver filed for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Good for her.
In oh-my-goodness, it just keeps getting worse cheating cheater news, George Lopez and his wife Ana are officially divorced. Why is he worse than David or Arnold? Because he (allegedly) cheated on the wife who gave him one of her kidneys with prostitutes. Ugh!
But I’m sure you’ll all be relieved to hear that other noted celebrity scumbag cheater Jesse James has “forgiven himself.” That makes one of us.
Blech. I need to get away from all this negative business about cheating dogs and the women who tolerate them. How about the adorable Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, who are continuing their North American tour at Dalvay Lake on Prince Edward Island, which I’ve heard is very picturesque, almost as picturesque as the royal couple themselves (have I mentioned that they are adorable?). William and Kate are scheduled to head to the U.S. after their Canadian tour. They seem very happy together; it’s super-cute.
In less savory royal news, Prince Albert of Monaco married Charlene Wittstock over the weekend, amid reports that the bride-to-be, perhaps suffering from an extreme case of cold feet, tried to flee Monaco three separate times over the past several months. The unconfirmed reports indicate that Wittstock eventually had her passport confiscated. I’m tempted to make a dumb joke about how my understanding is that Monaco is small enough that it can’t be that hard to flee – walk 10 paces in any direction and you’re in France. But seriously, forcing/coercing/pressuring a woman into marriage is not really particularly funny. If Wittstock was paid off to go through with the ceremony, I hope that she takes her money and hightails it out of there the first chance she gets. (Incidentally, in researching this item, I came across this quote from Somerset Maugham, re Monaco: “A sunny place for shady people.” Brilliant and kind of ominous, I think.)
Finally, as if I needed more proof that I am out of step with the American movie-going public, “Transformers 3” was number one at the box office over the holiday weekend. Why, America, why? Anya and I sometimes play a game called, “how much would they have to pay you to see that?”, assuming an imaginary and lucrative world in which we are compensated for watching bad movies and television shows. For “Transformers 3”, Anya’s price is $150, but I don’t think I’d see it for less than $200. I can’t stand Shia LeBouef. He has a weird potato-shaped head and he comes off like a total ass in interviews. Maybe if “Transformers 3” starred George Clooney and Brad Pitt, I’d consider seeing it for $150, but with Shia in it, $200 is the minimum that I’d consider. And I’d probably have to spend that on alcohol to get me through the movie.
Well, this was a pretty depressing entertainment roundup. Let’s hope next week brings happier news. Meanwhile, I’m off to barbecue. Enjoy your 4th and stay away from the fireworks; you could lose a hand! (Said in my best New York Jewish mother accent. Which is much better, I’m sure, in your imagination than it is actually coming out of my mouth.)