Couples Therapy Season Four: Halfway to Nowhere

Have you been watching VH1’s “Couples Therapy” this season? Come on, fess up! It’s not as embarrassing as watching TLC’s “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Well, that is actually up for debate. While Boo Boo and family are a little fixated on discussing bodily functions in front of millions of people, Jon Gosselin and his latest girlfriend, Liz Jannetta regale viewers with frank talk about Jon’s self pleasuring. Jon apparently follows the wisdom of Woody Allen: “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone that I love.” It appears viewers would rather hear about farts because Boo Boo is bringing in roughly one million more viewers than Jon and the rest of our star-crossed lovers.

We are at the half-way point of “Couples Therapy” so now is a good time to examine how far our twosomes have progressed under the astute guidance of (purported) psychotherapist Dr. Jenn Berman. Dr. Jenn (Dr. Drew apparently made himself unavailable for this gig having had enough of one Miss Farrah Abraham on those atrocious Teen Mom reunion specials his accountant forces him to host.) I hate to tell this to all of you in love with love, but the future is not looking so bright we have to wear shades for the inmates at Dr. Jenn’s Reality TV (D-List edition) Funhouse.

Ghost and Kelsey: I’m sensing this relationship may not be long term. Hear me out. There is a big age difference between Ghost and Kelsey. Also, in case you haven’t noticed, Ghost is a player and a douchebag. Of course, we haven’t really gotten to the part where Dr. Jenn sits Ghost down to talk about his boo-hoo childhood and offers her intuitive guidance to help him heal from the hurts of the past so that he can step into the future with Kelsey. I’m sure Episode 6 will change everything! Or maybe it won’t. Kelsey – please grab your self-respect, your hair care products, and walk away. Far away. You can do better. Trust me.

Whitney and Sada: Is everyone clear on which one is Whitney and which one is Sada? Yeah, me neither. I like Whitneysada and I think they have as good a chance as any young couple does of staying together. I doubt they are gaining anything from Dr. Jenn’s “counseling sessions” (rolling my eyes as I type this), but they are getting a nice paycheck for the gig….so good for them! Actually, Whitneysada are an essential part of this show for me because they have been able to call bullcrap on just about everything that comes out of Farrah’s mouth, but they do it in a kind, respectful way. These aren’t qualities that will get you more reality TV work, but they are qualities of decent human beings.

Taylor and John: Did you know John’s last name is Bluher? Tee-hee! What is it about writing about this stuff that turns my sense of humor into that of an 11-year-old boy? I’m not even sure what to say. I have watched most of the episodes so far and I have no idea who John Blew Her is. Well, that’s not true; I know he’s rich, so I predict Taylor will stay with him for the foreseeable future. I don’t know if John will get sick of Drunk Taylor (let’s remember that Taylor was called out two years for her excessive drinking on Bravo’s RHOBH by recovering alcoholic Kim Richards). Taylor remains as messy as ever, but strangely boring except when she is ranting and raving about not getting served filet mignon every night or the color of the (free) towels she is using to wipe her over botoxed face with. On those occasions, she is slightly less boring, but also very unlikable. But, hey there should somebody for everyone, right? So my wishes for a bright future for the future Mr. and Mrs. Bluher. It won’t be the first name change for our dear Shana!

Jon and Liz: these two crazy kids journeyed all the way from Pennsylvania with just the gray hoodie sweat suits on their backs to be on the show! Well, Jon isn’t so much a kid in years (he’s almost 37), but he certainly acts young! It’s hard for me to judge the future of this dynamic duo because Dr. Jenn has not had as much time with them as with the other couples. You see, the Sweat Hogs (my affectionate pet name for them due to their bedraggled appearance) breezed in very late for their healing journey with Dr. Jenn (sometime in episode three, I believe?). No explanation was given for their tardiness. I assumed they got lost in Los Angeles looking for beer and ammo, but then I realized that supposition was likely wrong. After all, Jon wouldn’t be so stupid to bring a gun on the airplane from PA to CA, would he? Would he?! I’m hearing crickets…. Anyhoo, my new theory is they got lost looking for cigarettes, because these two clearly love their cancer sticks! While it’s true I have less scientific data to base my wild guess on, I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that Jon and Liz may not be together six months from now. Why so pessimistic, you ask? Well, Liz is getting a little long in the tooth for Jon. I think she might be turning 26 soon? Also, Jon’s feelings get very hurt when Liz calls him on his bullcrap. (Admittedly, Liz has all the grace of a gorilla in her approach). You know who does seem to buy Jon’s nonsense? Dr. Jenn! Dr. Jenn empathizes with Jon’s inner places of wounding and thinks that Liz is a big meanie who emasculates Jon. Gad. It doesn’t really matter what Dr. Jenn thinks anyway because the key person in the relationship isn’t even there! It’s Kate Gosselin, folks. Every other word out of Jon’s mouth is Kate this and Kate that. Clearly, Jon brought the wrong blonde with him to LA if he was hoping to honestly address any of the dysfunction in his life.

Farrah: I predict that Farrah will be the big success story of this season. Farrah has it all figured out, you guys. It’s everyone else’s fault! Everyone is just so mean and so not worth her time. Farrah is #Overit. The vast majority of the blame goes to Farrah’s mom, by the way (it’s always the mother). If any of you have ever witnessed the joyous, affirming presence of Mama Debra on “Teen Mom”, you will join me in not totally discounting this notion. My reality TV wishes will come true if Debra makes an appearance on “Couples Therapy” before the season wraps. Will Debra be patronizing? Will Farrah roll her eyes and cry fake tears? Will Dr. Jenn continue to coddle Farrah? Will the sun rise in the East? One thing is certain. Farrah will continue to practice self-love and self-acceptance. Yay for television therapy!

Couples Therapy airs Thursday nights at 9pm on VH1

Anya has written for ImperfectWomen.com since 2009. She dutifully follows current events and pop culture and loves having a platform to share her imperfect opinions.