Celebrity Round-Up: It’s The End Of The World As We Know It

By Jennie

New love, troubled (but hilarious) love, the further antics of young Hollywood, and a possibly apocalyptic new pairing have been dominating celebrity news in the last week or so. Let’s get started:

Axl Rose and Lana del Rey are supposedly maybe dating. If you don’t know who she is, you’re probably over 40; if you don’t know who he is, you’re probably under 25. If you know who they both are, you probably have too much time on your hands, like me. Anyway, for those not in the know, he is the legendary frontman of Guns ‘n’ Roses, and she is the possibly talentless singer of “Video Games ” who made a somewhat disastrous appearance as the musical guest on “Saturday Night Live” a couple of months back. The two were seen exiting the Chateau Marmont over the weekend, which is Hollywood-speak for “totally doing it.” The unlikely lovebirds have more in common than you’d think: besides their common musical backgrounds, they both have an alleged fondness for plastic surgery, and their respective ages are each multiples of 25 (hers one, his two – hey, it’s better than three!). It’s like they were meant to be together!

In love less fated and more…ridiculous, “Dancing with the Stars” cutie Mark Ballas was caught on tape this past week having a really dumb, really drunken argument with his girlfriend outside a club in Hollywood. After careful review of the evidence, as near as sober, non-idiotic people can decipher, the fight centered around Ballas being caught smoking after pledging to quit, which infuriated said girlfriend, one Tiffany Dunn. Dunn apparently promised to give up her scooter after injuring herself while riding it, and in exchange Ballas was going to give up smoking, and then later they were totally going to go to the mall and get two pendants in the shape of half a heart, and he was gonna wear one half and she was gonna wear the other. And they’d totally be going steady.

Um, where was I? Oh, yes, well Tiff’s friend (I imagine her name is Brandi or Tawni or maybe she’s a Tiffany too, but she spells it Typhinee, ’cause she’s just different like that) caught Mark puffing and ran to tell Tiff and then it was ON. Let it be known that:

•  The party of the first part (Tiff) accused the party of the second part (Mark) of being a “dick” when he drinks (or possibly a “duck”; I’m not sure because the transcript I read asterisked out the middle two letters in consideration of gentle readers everywhere).

•  The party of the second part then declared that the party of the first part could “cry me a river for all I care, and you can swim in it.” (Ooh, burn!)

•  The party of the second part accused the party of the first part of punching him in the face (no, not his beautiful face!) three times that day, to which the party of the first part responded, in a possible non-sequitur (or a confession of extreme physical incompetence): “I was dancing.”

•  The party of the first part then expressed concern about “what else” the party of the second part might be lying to her about. (Possibilities: her mad dancing skillz, his fondness for reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, that time he said he forgot to get her tampons at the store but he didn’t really forget, he was just too embarrassed to be seen in public buying tampons.)

•  And finally, the party of the second part dramatically grabbed the party of the first part’s keychain, removed his housekey, and returned the keychain to her. So there!

But if only Mark could remove the key to his heart so easily! Latest reports indicate the lovebirds have patched it up, presumably after a lot of Excedrin and copious bottles of water and Egg McMuffins, and promised to never fight or drink or smoke or ride scooters again. And Mark reaffirmed that he really does love Grey’s Anatomy.

· If you’ve been living under a rock, you probably don’t know that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are a Thing now. I predict that they won’t be for long, though, since their combined egos and craving for attention will quickly overwhelm the resources of the paparazzi, which will in turn lead to a total collapse in the U.S. economy (which, you may or may not be aware, has been largely paparazzi-based since 1983), triggering worldwide disasters, plagues, and severe mascara shortages before the entire planet explodes in a dazzling spectacle witnessed only by an uncaring universe. Yes, some people believe the world will end in fire, others in ice, but those of us in the know realize that it can only end in monumental vapidity and misdirected self-regard.

In more mundane Hollywood news, Amanda Bynes appears to be picking up where Lindsey Lohan left off, in the “child star acting really dumbly self-destructive” sense. Bynes was arrested last week for a DUI, then turned away the next night from the same club she’d gotten wasted at the night before. If I ever (God forbid!) got arrested for DUI, I would be sitting my butt at home every night, sober as a judge, for a month, minimum. Probably thanking my lucky stars that I didn’t hurt anyone. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Madonna went out last week in open-toed shoes with unpolished, unmanicured, and in the rather melodramatic words of one gossip site, “crusty” toenails. I have reviewed the available footage with Zapruder-like intensity and see no evidence of crustiness, but by all means, use your Google-fu to judge for yourselves. If you aren’t too busy praying to your personal deity and wondering how, how, HOW such a thing could happen.

Catch you next time (If Kim and Kanye haven’t destroyed us)!

About the Author:

Jennie has contributed to Imperfect Women since its inception in 2009. She writes about politics, celebrity news, and anything else that catches her interest. She can be reached at jennie@imperfectwomen.com.