By Jennie
New love, troubled (but hilarious) love, the further antics of young Hollywood, and a possibly apocalyptic new pairing have been dominating celebrity news in the last week or so. Let’s get started:
Axl Rose and Lana del Rey are supposedly maybe dating. If you don’t know who she is, you’re probably over 40; if you don’t know who he is, you’re probably under 25. If you know who they both are, you probably have too much time on your hands, like me. Anyway, for those not in the know, he is the legendary frontman of Guns ‘n’ Roses, and she is the possibly talentless singer of “Video Games ” who made a somewhat disastrous appearance as the musical guest on “Saturday Night Live” a couple of months back. The two were seen exiting the Chateau Marmont over the weekend, which is Hollywood-speak for “totally doing it.” The unlikely lovebirds have more in common than you’d think: besides their common musical backgrounds, they both have an alleged fondness for plastic surgery, and their respective ages are each multiples of 25 (hers one, his two – hey, it’s better than three!). It’s like they were meant to be together!
In love less fated and more…ridiculous, “Dancing with the Stars” cutie Mark Ballas was caught on tape this past week having a really dumb, really drunken argument with his girlfriend outside a club in Hollywood. After careful review of the evidence, as near as sober, non-idiotic people can decipher, the fight centered around Ballas being caught smoking after pledging to quit, which infuriated said girlfriend, one Tiffany Dunn. Dunn apparently promised to give up her scooter after injuring herself while riding it, and in exchange Ballas was going to give up smoking, and then later they were totally going to go to the mall and get two pendants in the shape of half a heart, and he was gonna wear one half and she was gonna wear the other. And they’d totally be going steady.
Um, where was I? Oh, yes, well Tiff’s friend (I imagine her name is Brandi or Tawni or maybe she’s a Tiffany too, but she spells it Typhinee, ’cause she’s just different like that) caught Mark puffing and ran to tell Tiff and then it was ON. Let it be known that:
- The party of the first part (Tiff) accused the party of the second part (Mark) of being a “dick” when he drinks (or possibly a “duck”; I’m not sure because the transcript I read asterisked out the middle two letters in consideration of gentle readers everywhere).
- The party of the second part then declared that the party of the first part could “cry me a river for all I care, and you can swim in it.” (Ooh, burn!)
- The party of the second part accused the party of the first part of punching him in the face (no, not his beautiful face!) three times that day, to which the party of the first part responded, in a possible non-sequitur (or a confession of extreme physical incompetence): “I was dancing.”
- The party of the first part then expressed concern about “what else” the party of the second part might be lying to her about. (Possibilities: her mad dancing skillz, his fondness for reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, that time he said he forgot to get her tampons at the store but he didn’t really forget, he was just too embarrassed to be seen in public buying tampons.)
- And finally, the party of the second part dramatically grabbed the party of the first part’s keychain, removed his housekey, and returned the keychain to her. So there!
But if only Mark could remove the key to his heart so easily! Latest reports indicate the lovebirds have patched it up, presumably after a lot of Excedrin and copious bottles of water and Egg McMuffins, and promised to never fight or drink or smoke or ride scooters again. And Mark reaffirmed that he really does love Grey’s Anatomy.
· If you’ve been living under a rock, you probably don’t know that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are a Thing now. I predict that they won’t be for long, though, since their combined egos and craving for attention will quickly overwhelm the resources of the paparazzi, which will in turn lead to a total collapse in the U.S. economy (which, you may or may not be aware, has been largely paparazzi-based since 1983), triggering worldwide disasters, plagues, and severe mascara shortages before the entire planet explodes in a dazzling spectacle witnessed only by an uncaring universe. Yes, some people believe the world will end in fire, others in ice, but those of us in the know realize that it can only end in monumental vapidity and misdirected self-regard.
In more mundane Hollywood news, Amanda Bynes appears to be picking up where Lindsey Lohan left off, in the “child star acting really dumbly self-destructive” sense. Bynes was arrested last week for a DUI, then turned away the next night from the same club she’d gotten wasted at the night before. If I ever (God forbid!) got arrested for DUI, I would be sitting my butt at home every night, sober as a judge, for a month, minimum. Probably thanking my lucky stars that I didn’t hurt anyone. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Madonna went out last week in open-toed shoes with unpolished, unmanicured, and in the rather melodramatic words of one gossip site, “crusty” toenails. I have reviewed the available footage with Zapruder-like intensity and see no evidence of crustiness, but by all means, use your Google-fu to judge for yourselves. If you aren’t too busy praying to your personal deity and wondering how, how, HOW such a thing could happen.
Catch you next time (If Kim and Kanye haven’t destroyed us)!
About the Author:
Jennie has contributed to Imperfect Women since its inception in 2009. She writes about politics, celebrity news, and anything else that catches her interest. She can be reached at jennie@imperfectwomen.com.
I just took Jennie up on her challage! Asked my daughter if she knew Lana Del Ray! Yes Mom(eyerolls), what about Axel Rose (blank stare) I think I’ve heard of HER why?
Jennie is right! Although, my kids think I’m 36 & I’m sticky to my story 😉
Maybe I do live under a rock because I didn’t know about Kim & Kanye..but I know who they are, can we call it a pebble?
Move over Momsby, I am under that pebble with you! And laughing my head off at the news about Madonna. I *heard* there was a controversy last week, but I was too tired to pay attention. Unmanicured toes. I am sorry I didn’t listen and weigh in now. It’s such an important topic.
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I saw the Amanda Bynes story earlier, so I am not completely out of it. Can I just say that she is one of the child stars I always liked. My older two and I liked to watch The Amanda Show on Nickelodean back in the day. I hope she’s not quite as bad as Lindsey Lohan, who is the living proof, IMO, that Disney is a gateway drug for child actors.
Jennie,
I am way behind, or is it than I’m not interested in the above. LOL. The only thing I have heard about Kim and her family is that they use slave labor to make their cheap products and Sears was boycotted at the holiday time. Don’t think I would be buying their hootchie wears anyway.
Great post and so funny! Axl Rose looks like he is over 60. More like her grandfather.
I feel for Madonna. My toes look pretty crusty too!
Amanda Bynes is the new Lindsay Lohan.
I am probably one of the few, but I LOVE Lana Del Rey. I found her XM radio – my favorite songs of hers is “Blue Jeans” and her CD is amazaing. I don’t know if she’s “doing” Axel Rose, but she’s definitely making a name for herself. Her SNL appearance was disappointing but I am still a fan.
I used to watch Keeping up w/ the Kardashians. But after Kim and the wedding crap, I am not a fan. Haven’t watch any of the new season and I hope Kanye screws her over.
I have a question…..why is it that none of the Kardashians can wear anything unless it’s black, white or animal print???
Kmom2…I have a question…..why is it that none of the Kardashians can wear anything unless it’s black, white or animal print???
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Ha! Good question. I don’t think they understand the concept of “less is more.” Honestly, a soft pastel color looks good on most of us, but I guess it doesn’t scream LOOK AT ME! LOL.
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I loved the Mark Ballas recap. I get a special kick out him taking his key off the keyring! That will show her, I am sure he was thinking. LOL.
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Pam, I totally agree that Axl is looking very old. Where did the time go, “November Rain” seems like it was just a few years ago…Mo, I will have to listen to Lana Del Rey. I have decided I need to try some new music. Has anyone heard of Gotye? He has a super cool really different song called “Someone that I Used to Know.”
Anya: I think that song. is re-mix of an “oldie” titled “Just Someone I used to know” and the Gotye version is called: “Somebody I Used to Know”. I am familiar with the classic country version, but not the new mix. I will listen to the new one and see what I think.
I love that song, Anya!
Lately I’ve myself listening to The Moondoggies, Fleet Foxes, The Boxer Rebellion and The National.
Amanda Bynes? Really? Ugh, that is sad. I’ve liked her in everything I’ve seen her in. Now, if that girl from iCarly or Taylor Swift start going the wrong way, then Teresa E. will really be upset.
Ok…This has to be the funniest thing I have read on the internet in AGES!
Great job Jennie!
Pattypie, I completely agree. So fun to read.
I know who Axl is. Have no idea who Lana is. Oh well.
Jennie, I’m a little disappointed that you weren’t first on the scoop watching out for Madonna to have crusty toes. Oh my goodness, the things they put in print. Jennie’s Round-Up puts it all in perspective.
Mojito, it’s really catchy, isn’t it?
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Ok, I think I recognize one of those bands! Time for me to stop being an old fogey and try some new music. It’s so easy today compared to when we were growing up. Remember buying a whole tape or CD because you liked ONE song!
Lily, I’ll admit; I have been slacking in my duties as a Madonna toe-watcher. I need to contract out the duty to a foot fetishist, or something.
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To be fair, re Lana/Axl, I only heard of del Ray around the time she was on SNL. I am an Old.
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Ooh, I thought of another bit of kismet between the two – I know it will shock you, but Axl Rose and Lana del Ray are not either of their real names.