Hello, party people! The glamorous life waits for no one:
For a brief few shining hours, it was believed that noted name-changing-guy Sean Combs (aka Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Puff the Magic Dragon, H.R. Pufenstuf, et al.) was romancing she-of-little-clothing model Kate Upton (who is now considered a supermodel? In my day you had to be more than a half-naked blonde with big boobs to be given that title. Also, get off my lawn, you darn kids!). Alas, the golden age of Katydid (Puffupton? – no, that sounds like a British railway station; Pkate? – no, that sounds like a fairly benign but unattractive dermatological disorder; Katydid it is!) was not only brief but apparently illusory – both parties have denied even knowing each other. Oh, the humanity! Let us all bow our heads and mourn the passing of an epic made-up romance between a rich but charmless New York native entrepreneur who is NOT Donald Trump and a girl young enough to be his daughter. Love is so fleeting!
Former teen star Amanda Bynes declared her retirement from acting a while back; since then her career has seemed to consist of acting bizarre in public while making proclamations (often through Twitter, as you do) that there’s nothing wrong with her and she’s totes gonna sue anyone who says there is! (Ruh-roh! I’m in trouble!) The latest buzz has her walking around NYC smoking a joint (again, as you do) and being escorted from a gymnastics class for bizarre behavior that included attempting a cartwheel in lingerie and fishnets stockings, and then breaking down in tears when her wig fell off. Aw, don’t cry, Amanda; cartwheels are hard once you’re over the age of six.
Speaking of semi-famous former teens, Farrah Abraham, of 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom fame, first denied this week that she’d shot a porno film with porn star James Deen last week then turned around and admitted it, but claims it was only a personal keepsake, for her to look back on when she’s older. I had heard that Sears Portrait Studios had closed, so I guess that makes sense. Abraham, you’ll be horrified depressed confused happy (?) to hear, is willing to share this “personal keepsake” with the world, but only if someone pays her a “couple million” dollars. So, if you have that kind of money lying around, and a burning desire to see one of the original teen moms getting it on, you know what to do. (Seek therapy. The answer is you should use that money to seek a lot of very good therapy. Now.)
Celebrity douche-off, round 2!: noted-daughter-berater Alec Baldwin and all-around-scuzzy-seeming guy with a potato-shaped head Shia LaBeouf had already had it out a month or so ago about a play that they were supposed to be in together but then Shia was like, a big jerk, and Alec was like, hey, that’s my job, and Shia was like, okay, well then I QUIT! and then Alec was like, well, don’t let the door hit you, etc. and then Shia like apologized on Twitter or something but his apology letter was PLAGIARIZED from Esquire magazine, which, I can’t even. Shia, don’t you have any (non-potato-headed, preferably) underlings to write non-plagiarized apologies for you and maybe throw a bucket of water over you once in while so you look less scuzzy? Isn’t that what fame is good for? Has Jackie Collins been lying to me all these years?
…where was I? Oh, yeah, so Alec passive-aggressively brought up Shia’s douchiness this week and blamed it on his age. For the record, Shia LaBeouf is 26. I don’t know about you, but my sliding scale of “so-and-so can be forgiven for such-and-such; after all, s/he is ONLY….” stops dead at 25, no exceptions. There is no “only 26” – that’s a grown-ass adult who is responsible for his assclownishness. Of course, it’s not surprising, I guess, that noted photographer-berater, Words-with-Friends enthusiast and general jerkface Baldwin would think that a lack of civility can be excused under any number of circumstances. Not true, Alec, not true. (That said, I will always love Jack Donaghy! 30 Rock, I miss you!)
Until next time, party people!
Jennie has contributed to Imperfect Women since its inception in 2009. She writes about politics, celebrity news, and anything else that catches her interest.