Celebrity News Roundup: Splits, Tiffs and Losers

By Jennie

Celebrity News Roundup: Splits, Tiffs and Losers Lohans

News of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, as told by a 16-year-old girl who just finished her second venti soy lowfat no whip peppermint mocha:

O.M.G. Did you hear? About what happened with Justin and Selena on Friday night? Well, you know they broke up because he was caught cheating on her but she went out to dinner with him anyway to see if they could get back together (which I would NEVER do, jeez, have some pride Selena), but then she got mad and left before their app of mozzarella sticks and fried zucchini had even come (OMG, I know! Mozzarella sticks are the best!). So she storms out and he totally followed her and then she drove home and he kept following her (like, stalker much?) and when she got there she wouldn’t even let him come in! Burn! So he just had to stand outside looking like a total ass, and wait, I haven’t even told you the best part: he was wearing, like a tank dress or something. No, really! It was *so* bizarre! I heard he had to wear it ’cause he lost a bet to the football team. Taylor told me in Bio. No, not Taylor L., Taylor S. She is not a liar!, and anyways, there are pictures and everything. He looks so basic. Justin thinks he’s so B.M.O.C. he can like wear anything, but I can assure that is NOT the case. I am SO going to heckle him in homeroom on Tuesday.

So, anyways, I think maybe Justin and Selena are totally dunzo for reals. So everyone is like, ooh, who are they going to go to prom with, then? Which I don’t care ‘cuz I’m not even going to get to GO to prom if I don’t pass Bio, and since I was being updated on this VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION last class (by Taylor, who is really, really not a liar, OKAY, maybe she’s a little bit of a drama queen) I ran out of time to finish the quiz and just answered “cellular mitosis” for everything on the last page. You don’t think I failed, do you? If I fail that test my life is SO over!

In news of celebrities who are old enough to order a cocktail (but really, really shouldn’t), Lindsay Lohan is telling pals (who are then telling tabloids, as you do) that she has no interest in meeting her newly-confirmed half-sister. A DNA test (taken on national television, because of course) has confirmed that Michael Lohan fathered 17-year-old Ashley Horn while still married to mother-of-the-year Dina Lohan. In fact, Ashley was born between penultimate Lohan sibling Ali and baby of the family (a word that only applies in the loosest sense here) Cody. Awk-ward.

Poor Ashley. I mean: 1) MICHAEL LOHAN is your father; 2) good luck getting child support; Lohan doesn’t even pay for the kids he had with his wife; 3) you’re now being rejected by Lindsay, which given what a mess she is, has to smart a bit. (Though on the other hand, the farther you stay from any of these losers, the better, I’m guessing.)

Robert De Niro and Jay-Z got into a tiff last week at a party. Jay-Z stopped at De Niro’s table to say hi, and De Niro chewed him out, saying that he’d called him six times (about the possibility of Jay-Z recording a song for De Niro’s Tribeca film festival) and hadn’t gotten a return call. Beyonce tried to smooth things over with her glowing Beyonce-ness, but De Niro wouldn’t budge and called Jay-Z’s (in)actions “rude.” Got to agree. Ignore one call – it happens. Ignore two – no, you better call that person back unless they ran over your dog and you hate them or something. Six is just ridiculous. I would jump every time my phone rang if I owed someone a call and they’d called me SIX times. Sheesh.

I’d love to insert a “99 problems” or a “you talkin’ to ME?” joke here, but alas, they’ve all been used up.

Britney Spears and fiance/manager/babysitter Jason Trawick may be on the rocks; reports are that their wedding plans are on hold. Spears is said to resent the amount of control both Trawick and her own father continue to exert over her life.

Remember back when we all laughed at that ridiculous “Leave Britney alone!” Youtube guy? Maybe he wasn’t so wrong after all. I just kind of want to take her away to a nice farm somewhere in the country, where she can have cute animals around her and people to look after her who don’t want anything from her. I feel like she’s like a racehorse who has put in her time, and she’s tired and needs to rest, but no one will let her. Sigh.

About the Author:

Jennie has contributed to Imperfect Women since its inception in 2009. She writes about politics, celebrity news, and anything else that catches her interest.