Hello to my gossipstan! Xenu knows, it’s hard to focus on anything else with the Holmes/Cruise divorce shenanigans going on, but the Earth continues to rotate on its axis, and that means celebrities continue to do scandalous/stupid/mildly entertaining stuff:
Alec Baldwin married his yoga instructor honey Hilaria Thomas this past weekend in New York City. Does anyone think that with Alec’s penchant for public blowups with paparazzi, flight attendants, offspring, etc. and Hilaria’s presumed uber-flexibility, they could become an unstoppable destructive duo who could take out half of the Eastern seaboard* with rage-fueled ninja yoga moves? Just me? Okay then.
* I have no actual idea of what the “Eastern seaboard” is, but I’ve heard the phrase before and I like saying it. Eastern seaboard. Eastern seaboard. Hee.
Amber Heard, who is ridiculously hot, and who I thought was a lesbian, is reportedly canoodling with non-female (as far as I know) Johnny Depp. The two were in The Rum Diary together last year, and shortly afterward the rumblings about Johnny breaking up with long-time girlfriend Vanessa Paradis started up. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I like Johnny Depp and all, but he doesn’t, IMO, really have the chops to actually turn The Gays straight. Now, if you were talking Jon Hamm or Clive Owen or even Brad Pitt, maybe. Depp, if he were properly bathed for once, and sporting fairly normal clothes and facial hair, could maybe turn the head of the bi-curious. At best.
Jenny McCarthy posed in Playboy again to show that she’s still hot at 40 or 50 or 110, or whatever damn age she is. She probably also blathered on about the following things in the accompanying interview (I’m assuming there’s an accompanying interview and McCarthy’s not just showing her hoo-ha to the world for no reason): crystal children, indigo moms, Jim Carrey and how he’s a bad ex-boyfriend for not seeing her kid years after they broke up, mercury, vaccines, and how she doesn’t feel bad that rates for contagious vaccinable childhood diseases have gone up as a result of her and other crackpots spewing their baseless, ignorant theories to the public. Or, you know, maybe she does just show her hoo-ha.
Mila Kunis may or may not be sitting in a tree and k-i-s-s-i-n-g Ashton Kutcher. Jackie and Kelso forever! (Actually, I was more a fan of Hyde, in spite of the fact that he’s a Scientologist in real life and I never really watched That 70s Show, anyway.) Like Amber Heard, Mila could do better. Hey, maybe Amber and Mila should get together! They could be ridiculously hot together. (Side note: In spite of my aesthetic appreciation of female beauty, I am not gay, evidence contained within this post to the contrary. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Maybe you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know that TomKat is no more. (Actually, if you’ve been living under a rock, you probably don’t even know what TomKat is. Also, you should consider moving, because living under a rock sounds really uncomfortable and probably not that hygienic.) Yes, Katie Holmes has signed up for a boatload of thetans (note: I’m not sure that’s how thetans work) by breaking the wee heart of tiny little pixie Tom Cruise. How, oh how, will our plucky movie star go on? Probably by finding a replacement. Who will be the fourth Mrs. Cruise? I don’t know, but if history were anything to go by, if I were Taylor Swift, I’d watch out.