Celebrity News: Lohans, Babies and Jerks, Oh My!

By Jennie

It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world, at least if you’re Michael Lohan:

On October 24, Lohan was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend, Kate Major (hmm, now where have I heard that name before?), allegedly after she refused to perform a sexual favor for him (the most sensible thing I’ve ever known Ms. Major to do, FWIW). He apparently didn’t heed the judge’s warning (Judge Walter Heinrich told Lohan, “If you even dream about her…you will go to jail.”), as he violated a no-contact order with Major almost immediately. When cops came to arrest him for that violation, Lohan naturally decided to flee via his third story apartment balcony, falling 34 feet but suffering no major (no pun intended) injuries. He then attempted to hide from police in a tree, from which he was extracted and then finally taken to jail. Drugs and alcohol were supposedly involved. You think?

Lohan’s troubles haven’t kept him from blathering about his daughter Lindsay’s troubles, of course. She’s scheduled for a court hearing on Wednesday after having her probation revoked because she is a complete dumbass failed to complete required community service. Methinks Lohan, Sr. should deal with the log in his eye first, but if there’s anything you can’t accuse a Lohan of being, it’s sensible. Anyway, Michael is now jailed without bail, an order he hotly contested due to his many business and personal commitments. To wit: a planned interview with Dr. Drew (doctor of choice to famewhores everywhere), a “celebrity” boxing match with Tareq Salahi (I can’t even…), and oh, yeah, he needs to be available to support Lindsay in court. Because where would she be without the loving, wise counsel of her father?

On to happier news: newly anticipating are Jessica Simpson (she finally confirmed it, after weeks of speculation), Bruce Willis’ wife (how did I not know that he’d remarried?) and possibly Maggie Gyllenhaal (whose last name I can never say without copious glottal sounds and a wee bit of flying saliva; it’s very undignified). Congratulations to all involved.

Back to “people sure are jerks, aren’t they?” news:

· Usher allegedly, supposedly parked illegally in a handicapped spot in Atlanta, and refused to move when confronted by an enraged woman;
· Movie legend Omar Sharif allegedly (it’s on camera but it’s not clear what happened exactly) slapped a woman on the red carpet at the Qatar Film Festival. Now, I know the saying, “What happens at the Qatar Film Festival, stays at the Qatar Film Festival”, but still: not cool, Dr. Zhivago.
· Courtney Stodden and her pimp Svengali husband Doug somebody or other (I can’t be bothered to look up his last name) were kicked out of a pumpkin patch for molesting pumpkins. Or being too sexy. Or something like that. The pumpkins declined to comment.

Finally, there is some crazy rumor going around that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have broken up. I believe we have an article up about it. I for one, refuse to believe it. I haven’t even received a thank-you note yet for my wedding gift! (Nothing says, “I celebrate your love” like a case of Four Loko, I’ve found.) We probably won’t know the truth about their troubles for a long time, if ever – the Kardashians’ notorious commitment to privacy will mean a complete media blackout. All we can do is draw together in prayer for these two upstanding young people during their time of trouble. And hope I finally get my damn thank-you note.

About the Author:
Jennie has contributed to Imperfect Women since its inception in 2009. She writes about politics, celebrity news, and anything else that catches her interest. She can be reached at jennie@imperfectwomen.com.

.