Celebrity News – Celebrity Life Is Muy Loco!

By Jennie

Hola! Happy Cinco de Mayo aftermath, party people! The celebrity life is muy loco! (And with that, we have just about exhausted my meager Spanish vocabulary, unless you want me to start reciting days of the week or numbers up to eleven. My go to response after about twenty words of Espanol is pretty much to cock my head and inquire “Que?” until the person talking to me goes away.)

The twin sons of Charlie Sheen and his ex (?are they divorced? has Sheen been too busy drinking tiger blood or whatever it is to actually get a divorce? Enquiring minds want to know really don’t care) Brooke Mueller have been removed from her custody and placed in the care of Charlie Sheen’s OTHER ex, Denise Richards. Sheen has spoken in support of the proceedings; one wonders why, if he’s healthy enough to be on a television series he’s NOT capable of taking care of his own damn children, but I think we all know that Richards is probably by far the better choice (a Roomba on low battery would probably be a better parenting choice than Sheen).

A side note: I’ve never been Denise Richards’ biggest fan – she’s a terrible actress and I’ve always kind of side-eyed her for her part in the Richie Sambora/Heather Locklear break-up, because I’m a Locklear fan going back to her small part on “Eight is Enough”, which was like my favorite show when I was 10. But Richards does seem to be a stable presence in Sheen’s life, in spite of a lot of mistreatment from him, and I think she’s a good mother. I think it’s great that she’s there to provide these children with a home with their half-sisters.

Anyway, hoping Brooke Mueller gets better. She seems to have a terrible addiction problem, but I can’t help but feel sorry for her – maybe because anyone looks sympathetic next to Charlie Sheen.

Speaking of hot messes….Lindsay, oh Lindsay. What are we gonna do with you, girl? While Lindsay’s lawyer Mark Heller (hahahahaha) was assuring a judge that La Lohan was ensconced in the healing bosom of a rehab facility, Lindz was at that very moment fleeing said rehab facility before even crossing the threshold. She has finally deigned grace ANOTHER rehab facility – the famous Betty Ford Center – with her presence, for which I’m sure everyone is grateful. I wonder if it’s SOP for courts to allow addicts to determine where they’ll rehab? After, of course, giving said addicts an excessive amount of time to wrap up important personal business attend Coachella first. Because priorities.

But wait! According to an interview she gave, Lindsay like, hardly needs to be there anyway: she states that she doesn’t have a drinking problem and has tried cocaine maybe four or five times in her life. She did admit to a fondness for Ecstasy, but who doesn’t like some E now and then, right? She really thinks her time would be better spent, like, helping kids in other countries. Because if there’s anything you think when you think of Lindsay Lohan, it’s “role model/caretaker for disadvantaged children.” Right?.Am I right? Where did everyone go?

Did y’all hear about Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey renewing their vows at Disneyland? That’s like, the most Mariah Carey thing Mariah Carey has probably ever done. She and her daughter dressed up like Disney princesses and Nick Cannon and their son dressed up as Disney princes. I like Disneyland, probably more than the average gal, but just thinking about this is enough to send me into a diabetic coma. I can’t imagine what their next vow renewal will feature, at this rate. One hundred unicorns and a metric ton of glitter?

Rainn Wilson of “The Office” and being-kinda-weird-looking fame Tweeted angrily about his experience with U.S. Airways while trying to get to Scranton for the wrap party for his iconic show “We’re being forced to rent cars and drive to Scranton from Philly.” The horrors! My friend Google Maps tells me that the driving distance between Philly and Scranton is 125 miles and that the trip takes about two hours. That’s the same amount of time it took me to get to Monterey this weekend to visit my uncle and aunt (it was my uncle’s 78th birthday), and even though I had to drive BOTH WAYS in one day, I managed the trip without swearing at all much and without threatening to “take a dump” on anyone’s windshield. I guess I just don’t have that fiery artistic temperament.

Ta-ta until next time!

Jennie has contributed to Imperfect Women since its inception in 2009. She writes about politics, celebrity news, and anything else that catches her interest.