It’s a brand new year, and with new years come resolutions. I resolve to avoid writing about Michael Lohan for as long as possible. Uh oh, did I just break the resolution by mentioning the resolution? Is it like Fight Club? I’ll have to check the official resolution handbook on that one. Until then, there is plenty of gossip to keep us entertained through the dreary days of January.
We all know, of course, that musical royalty was born this past weekend. Beyonce and Jay-Z are parents. Of a daughter named Blue Ivy, born at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC. Early reports had indicated the name was Ivy Blue, because Blue Ivy sounds like the name of a cut-rate tiki lounge in Honolulu or a third tier super-hero, one whose only skill is climbing up brick walls…but anyway. That’s about all we know for sure – many other details are swathed in controversy:
- Whether the child was born in a scheduled c-section or delivered naturally;
- Whether the child came out of Beyonce’s body, was delivered of a surrogate or hatched out of a diamond-encrusted golden egg;
- Whether the happy parents’ bodyguards prevented a new father from going into the ICU to visit his preemie twins, or possibly cordoned off the entire island of Manhattan and had its denizens rounded up and placed in pens in the New Jersey Pine Barrens until the blessed child is ready to go home/start kindergarten/graduate from college;
- Whether Suri Cruise is at this very moment sticking pins in a tiny baby doll while chanting “I’m the star, I’m the star” over and over.
Um, unbelievable as it may seem, the Earth has continued to rotate on its axis while these questions await answers. Shocking, I know.
The Kardashian Klan is once again beset by rumors that the tallest Kardashian is no Kardashian at all. Scandalous! We know it’s not Khloe K.’s penchant for privacy that marks her as different from her siblings; she’s as dedicated to the Kardashian brand of Public Living for Fun and Profit as any of them. But it’s been noted that, in addition to being like a foot taller than her petite sisters, Khloe doesn’t share the strong resemblance that marks Kim, Kourtney, Krobert and all the other little Kardashians as members of the same gene pool. Also, she appears to be about 33% more likable than her sisters, which is strange given that she was raised by the she-wolf known as Kris. The rumor that Khloe was fathered by someone else was again floated this week by two
skanks ex-wives of Robert Kardashian. Given the Kardashian kids’ obvious devotion to their late father, publically spreading such tales is pretty low. He claimed her, he raised her; he’s her father. End of story, in my opinion.
Now, as to whether Prince Harry was fathered by James Hewitt…
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie visited the White House this week, ostensibly to discuss Jolie’s humanitarian work, but really because let’s face it: if you were president wouldn’t you totally make the most awesome citizens in the country come visit you? I would’ve been on Brangelina by the second week of February, 2009, personally. But I’m a fangirl. Obviously Barack and Michelle wanted to play it a little cooler. I don’t agree with their strategy, but I respect it.
Best wishes to actress Heather Locklear, who was recently hospitalized. There are reports that she mixed prescription drugs and alcohol, prompting a call to 911. Locklear has had some troubles in recent years, but she’s always seemed a sweet and decent person. She first came to prominence as the trashy Sammy Jo on Dynasty, but personally we remember her first as Tommy’s girlfriend on Eight is Enough, more than 30 years ago (yikes!). Get well soon, Heather!