When you’re pregnant, your body is a cesspool of hormones that in a nutshell, make you act like a crazy person. One minute you’re craving ice cream, and the next minute you’re crying that your ice cream cone isn’t made of Swedish Fish. Add that to the fact that you’re hyper emotional and will cry at the drop of a hat, and you have a recipe for nine months of pure anxiety. That’s just a few reasons why you definitely shouldn’t watch shows that make it worse. Whether it’s a sob story about new parents or a show about people who don’t even know they were pregnant, watching pregnancy shows will either make you rage, make you cry, or worse. Avoid these at all costs.
Ah, just what every responsible, expectant mother wants to learn about: Teens who have unprotected sex and didn’t take the Pill because they didn’t want to get fat. Despite the fact that fertility issues give grown adults a hard time, these teens will make you frustrated to the point of tears. Whether they’re whining about their boyfriend ignoring them, or parents who are less than thrilled to be supporting another human being, it is impossible to watch this show and not turn into a total rageaholic. And since high blood pressure is bad for the baby, it’s best to turn the TV off altogether.
Really? You didn’t notice that you had a living, breathing human inside of you? I’ll be forever skeptical of people who go full term without ever suspecting that there might be a baby hanging out in utero. They might call it ignorance, but I like to think of it more as denial. Regardless, watching dramatic retellings of girls giving birth on toilets is not a productive way to spend your time. You’ll just live in fear every time you need to use the bathroom.
Did you ever wonder what happens when a model gets pregnant? No, me either. But luckily, there’s a show that answers that completely unnecessary question. “Runway Moms” tells the story of those in the modeling industry, struggling with their own issues. Of course, their complaints about gaining 1.5 pounds are enough to give any normal pregnant woman a major case of the stabbies. Not to mention, it’ll make you feel bad about that cake you just downed. Not cool, “Runway Moms,” not cool.
People get pregnant in a lot of the weirdest circumstances. This show started out as women who were pregnant in difficult situations, like having cancer, or homeless. But it slowly disintegrated in weirdness, with shows that focused on pregnant nudists or pregnant strippers. There was even one about pregnant truckers. The bottom line; no one cares how pregnant strippers deal with their gestation, do they? As a fellow pregnant woman, you’ll probably just stress that there’s something wrong with you; do you have nudist tendencies? Are you hoarding diapers?
In theory, “A Baby Story” should be the most harmless pregnancy show on TV. But beware of its amazing powers to make you cry for a straight 30 minutes. It simply follows a family as they prepare, deliver, and adjust to life with a baby. Seeing a guy dote on his new daughter or a couple make a decision to go for a c-section will land you in tears anytime. If not, we invite you to apply for the new show “I’m Pregnant and… Completely Heartless.”
Best advice? If you must watch TV while you’re pregnant, stick with shows that have nothing to do with growing a human being. It’s probably the best time ever to get addicted to “Nightline.” That way, at least you’ll get some sleep at night.
Todd Lam is a writer for CableTV.com